I did it!  

I actually did it ... it was pretty big but I'm sure it was not pretty ... 

... I HAD A MELT-DOWN!  

 I sure did.  I broke down in tears several times ... 

On Wednesday, I was feeling pretty good and resigned myself from worry and fear and unnecessary stress.  I even posted the below segment in my Facebook group to proclaim to the world (or at least the 83 group members) my rejuvenated faith.  

I think one of my biggest issues lately is that I have been fretting about being off work now for a month (unpaid) with no certain date of returning. And with Jonah's surgery coming up I just gave in to more worry. But that's IT! No more ... I MUST LIVE WHAT I BELIEVE! God provided SO MUCH for us (so much more than we could have anticipated) to bring these two boys home. He's not going to stop providing for us now that we have them home.

Protect me, God,
because I trust in you.
I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord.
Every good thing I have comes from you.” ...
... No, the Lord is all I need.
He takes care of me.
My share in life has been pleasant;
my part has been beautiful.
I praise the Lord because he advises me.
Even at night, I feel his leading. (NCV)
I know the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. (NLT)
(Psalm 16:1-2, 5-8)

And then by evening, I started to waver a bit when Rees gushed a large amount of fluid from his incision between his eyes.  Within an hour, we found that he actually had a hole where all the fluid had vacated.  I have to tell you ... this was very scary to me.   

We have been fortunate to be able to communicate via email and/or phone with one of the doctors to provide photo updates and talk about any changes in Rees.  I immediately sent photos to her and also called her cell phone (yes, she actually said I could call her cell phone).  Rees originally was supposed to come back on Friday (today) but she asked us to come in the next day (Thursday/Yesterday).  Of course, I brought him in right away in the morning.  

The doctor removed the gauze we had placed to cover the hole and it had gotten bigger overnight.  And it made me want to be sick!  

She and the nurse had to get a culture of it and clean it out.  Ewe!!  I had to look away every few seconds.  Then she took a picture of it so she could send it to Dr. Denny (who was on vacation this week) for advisement.  In the meantime, she and the nurse took to the task of removing the staples that covered Rees' head ear to ear.  Rees became hysterical!  He screamed so loudly and so terribly, I just did not know what to do.  I tried to hold his hands and comfort him with my words and gently restrain him by wrapping my arms around him and placing my head against his back.  Nothing worked.  By the time they had removed the last staple, I'm not sure who was in worse shape, Rees or me.

They left the room for a few minutes and Rees and I were able to recoup.   

And that's when my bubble was BURST ... that's when the doctor came back in and said that we should come back on Monday to be checked and (then just added subtly) plan to come again on Tuesday to go back to the OR.   

I barely got to our vehicle and the tears were already streaming down my face and when I got home, I sat at my table and I cried some more.  This time I couldn't really hold it in and poor little Rees came over to me and said, "Mama cry..." and he gave me a hug and then kissed me.  

Then later that day, I lost it again ... in front of my husband and all my children, I cried ... really hard.  They all came around me and hugged me and tried to comfort me and tell me it's all going to be okay.  I'm not really sorry that my children saw me this way.  I don't really think it is appropriate or possible, for me at least, to have my children think I'm always so strong and put together.  It's okay to cry ... whether it's them or it's me.  

I never expected any of this.  What has happened over the last month has been ... well, ... the EXACT opposite of what I expected.  After yesterday's visit to the doctor's office, I felt completely defeated.  I felt like I had reached my limit and I just could not take any more.  

But in the last 24 hours, things have changed a lot!!!

The emails and comments and messages that SO MANY of you have sent have been AMAZING and have given me strength and encouragement.  God has shown Himself evident each day this week despite the trials and disappointments.  We have been awe-stricken by the on-going LOVE and SUPPORT and GENEROUS GIFTS from so many very special people.  And while we just want our boy to be restored and we struggle with the process not going as expected and, at times, feeling that God is absent from the situation ... God has shown us with each day that He is with us, that He does love us, and that He will continue to take care of us.  Something made me think to look back to my new devotional (a recent lovely gift from a friend) to the entry for January 20th, the day of Rees' first surgery.  This is what it said:

APPROACH THIS DAY WITH AWARENESS OF WHO IS BOSS.  As you make plans for the day, remember it is I who orchestrates the events of your life.  On days when things go smoothly, according to your plans, you may be unaware of My sovereign Presence.  On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me!  I may be doing something important in your life, something quite different from what you expected.  It is essential at such times to stay in communication with Me, accepting My way as better than yours.  Don't try to figure out what is happening.  Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good. 

I think if I had read that on the morning of the surgery, I may have become frightened as opposed to comforted or strengthened.  But to read it tonight ... after things have not gone smoothly or how we planned in the last month, I can certainly see that the LORD is doing something, "something quite different from what I expected" and now I am just working towards complete Trust and Thankfulness for the outcome that is sure to be GOOD.  

A few other things that I was thankful for today:

Baba stayed home from work with me to help me monitor and tend to the open wound on Rees' face.  

No FEVER!

The hole did not appear to get any bigger today.

Rees was in a great mood!!