We think a lot of things and we make a lot of plans, don't we? 2016 sure should have knocked it into my head that I am not in control, but apparently, I didn’t quite get it ... somehow, I missed the point or perhaps, I regressed a bit, you know, two steps forward -- one step back.
Let me explain, ... last year, after all that we were dealt with Rees' multiple surgeries and my missing so much work, I wanted to do everything I could do to NOT take advantage of my place of employment (after all, they were so gracious and generous to me and my family while I was off). I did everything I could to get back to work as soon as possible. I was only back to work two weeks when my mother's health really took a turn for the worse. Because I had missed so much work taking care of Rees, I was unable to be there for my mom as much as I or she would have liked. I was conflicted with where my role was. And I struggled with balancing time and responsibility, even after my mom passed away. I spent the rest of the year with my self-created commissions of controlled responsibility, planning, and time. I made it to the end of 2016 doing everything I could to make things happen the way I wanted or needed in order to secure my 2017, to start off stress-free, invulnerable, and self-assured.
And then I come to this past week full of confidence and self-reliance ... and it has left me teetering between my plans and what is happening in reality ... and I am threatening to fall off my self-built wall of security.
Seriously? I am back in this place? I thought I had come so far ...
A year ago, during the mega-medical ordeal with Rees (it was MEGA to me!), I really struggled with what was happening, what wasn’t happening, the many questions we had, and the answers we weren't getting.
So many people were encouraging us, praying with and for us and Rees, offering support in a variety of ways, sending cards and messages with words of encouragement and bible verses. It was a long process but I eventually and thankfully came to a place of surrender and quiet rest, stillness and trust. I ended up designing a shirt so that I would have a reminder of all that we had gone through and what God had spoken over me and taught me.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 (msg)
My youngest son is slow ... slow at adjusting, slow at healing, slow at expressing and communicating. To truly help him and be there for him, I am forced to go slow. This is a challenge for me. But I don't really have a choice, now do I? I'm the one that needs to get with the program ...
At church the Sunday before Rees' first surgery, the Pastor and the Elders prayed for our family and for Rees as he was about to undergo more medical procedures. There was special music that day. One of the teens in our congregation played Hillsong United's OCEANS on his trombone. Of course, there were no words, but as I know them, they sounded in my mind as he played the chords.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
Tears filled my eyes and a tightness took my throat. I was very moved by the way he played as the words went through my mind as a prayer to the LORD, their true implication powerful, yet terrifying. I'm afraid of how brave I may have to be.
But I am determined to cling to Jesus.
We will see the surgeons on Monday and plans should be revealed and discussed for this week's surgeries for both Jonah and Rees. We will share what we know when we know ... in the meantime, I will practice "Being Still" and end this very long post (bless you if you have stuck it out to the end) with one of the new prayers I have written out in my new prayer journal (more on that in future posts):