(written 6/29/07)
Here we are again, ...
off on this crazy adventure we call "Adoption"!
We would like to adopt another child,
basically for Molly this time. We feel it will be beneficial for her to have a
Chinese sister, a playmate closer to her age, and an adopted sibling whom she
can relate to, especially as she gets older and begins to have a greater
understanding of who she is and where she came from. We also don't want her to
feel like an "only child" when our other children have left the nest, which they
assure us they will do in only a few short years! :)
Well, as we began completing the
preliminary steps, fear crept around and whispered in my thoughts. I had fears
relating to the costs for the adoption, especially being that it's so close to
Molly's adoption. I had fears that another adoption couldn't possibly go as
smoothly as Molly's did, that another child couldn't possibly attach to us as
easily and quickly as Molly did. I had fears that another child could negatively
affect the wonderful "two peas in a pod" relationship that Molly and I seem to
have. And I feared the contemplation of our child's special need, whatever it
might be.
So, yesterday afternoon (6/28/07) as I
was driving home from work, I was talking with God and I was telling him my
fears and wondering if it was really right for us to start another adoption. I
went back and forth with all my fears and finally just blurted out, "God, can't
you just give me a sign? Can't you just tell me what YOU want us to do? The
answer can't be NO just because of money and fear - LOVE is bigger than that and
it has to be about LOVE." I really try NOT to be a person expecting or always
looking for "signs"; it sounds so cliche'. I really strive to be a person of
faith, following God's directions, but sometimes, I just wish that God would be
more obvious. What can I say? It's so much easier for me to do something that
others might think is crazy when I can just say, "God says so". I feel like
where God is concerned, there can't be anything wrong with adoption, but other
times I just don't know. As I continued my drive home, I just let it go,
thinking that I don't have to panic, I have a few days to let my fears "ride".
And in some small way, I knew the answer would come.
After dinner, as we turned to the next
page of our devotional book, everything changed. But I have to give a little
background to the evening before so the full impact is made. Usually, for the
dinner devotion, Brian reads the Scripture verse(s) and I read the story and the
"key verse" included with the story. When we did the devotion the evening
before, I didn't feel like reading (at all) so Brian read both the Scripture and
the story. However, none of us caught that Brian didn't read the "key verse"
that evening, not even Brian realized it. So, the following evening, he asked me
if I was up to reading and I said that it would be okay.
Well, immediately, my
eyes glanced at the "key verse" from the previous evening and I said to Brian,
"oh, you must not have read this last night" ... [you know how you glance at
something and you know the words are new to you, but you don't really take in
their meaning, ... that's what it was like] ... so then I felt compelled to read the
words out loud.
I wish that I could adequately describe to you what actually
happened, but I don't know if I could find the right words. But I read the verse
out loud, and then I smiled (like one of those soft, gentle smiles), paused, and said, "oh" (not yet the eureka moment but like the light bulb was about to come
on) ... and then I felt a "kick" in my chest (like there was so much power when
the light bulb was turned on that it shattered) ... shocked pause ... and then I
began to cry to the awe of my family around the dinner table.
It was so
"step-by-step", almost in slow motion, and there was actually a physical feeling
involved. When I could finally speak, I told them what I just told you ... I
know that God answered my prayer, He graciously gave me that "sign" via the Holy
Spirit and His Holy Word.
So, do you want to know the
verse?
There is no fear in love; but perfect
love casts out fear ~ 1 John 4:18
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