Be Still ... LONG POST ...

We thought 2017 would be better!  We looked forward to a new, fresh start.  With Rees' most recent medical procedure, we expected to only be in the hospital for one night at the most.  We said this was a super simple procedure.  On our fourth night in the hospital, I started writing this post.  A week and a half after this surgery and Rees is still not himself and we are struggling with physical and emotional indications that something is not right.

We think a lot of things and we make a lot of plans, don't we?  2016 sure should have knocked it into my head that I am not in control, but apparently, I didn’t quite get it ... somehow, I missed the point or perhaps, I regressed a bit, you know, two steps forward -- one step back.

Let me explain, ... last year, after all that we were dealt with Rees' multiple surgeries and my missing so much work, I wanted to do everything I could do to NOT take advantage of my place of employment (after all, they were so gracious and generous to me and my family while I was off).  I did everything I could to get back to work as soon as possible.  I was only back to work two weeks when my mother's health really took a turn for the worse.  Because I had missed so much work taking care of Rees, I was unable to be there for my mom as much as I or she would have liked.  I was conflicted with where my role was.  And I struggled with balancing time and responsibility, even after my mom passed away.  I spent the rest of the year with my self-created commissions of controlled responsibility, planning, and time.   I made it to the end of 2016 doing everything I could to make things happen the way I wanted or needed in order to secure my 2017,  to start off stress-free, invulnerable, and self-assured.

And then I come to this past week full of confidence and self-reliance ... and it has left me teetering between my plans and what is happening in reality ... and I am threatening to fall off my self-built wall of security.

Seriously?  I am back in this place?  I thought I had come so far ... 

A year ago, during the mega-medical ordeal with Rees (it was MEGA to me!), I really struggled with what was happening, what wasn’t happening, the many questions we had, and the answers we weren't getting.

So many people were encouraging us, praying with and for us and Rees, offering support in a variety of ways, sending cards and messages with words of encouragement and bible verses.  It was a long process but I eventually and thankfully came to a place of surrender and quiet rest, stillness and trust.  I ended up designing a shirt so that I would have a reminder of all that we had gone through and what God had spoken over me and taught me.

I got mine in a sweatshirt ... I love it!

The premise was ... partly to raise some money to help offset the medical expenses, but mostly, it was more to have something that would be a reminder.  You can read the full explanation of how I came up with the design by clicking RIGHT HERE.  Otherwise the condensed version from my post is below:

I have really tried to keep hold of the the Words that ironically inspire me to keep moving ... 

"Be Still" ...  

- Be still in the presence of the LORD and wait patiently for Him to act. ~Psalm 37:7 (nlt)    

~ Be Still ~

Two small words ... yet, they invoke a great amount of attention and they direct me to the other words ... 

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14 (ncv)

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.  Proverbs 3:5-6 (msg)

Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times.  Romans 12:12 (ncv)

... in quietness and trust is your strength ... Isaiah 30:15 (niv)

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2 (niv)

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. 
1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 (msg)

And then my mom died and I began to unravel spiritually.  I didn’t want to accept what I know or cling to what I believe.  I do believe that God gave me strength to get through so many moments with my mother.  In hindsight, I question how I didn't just completely fall apart.  But there are DOTS along the timeline that stand out to me as moments of failure or ineffective faith and those DOTS are what have threatened to defeat me.

For several years (and I mean like eight or more years now), I have wanted to do a momentous study on prayer.  I have felt a longing, a pulling, a desire to understand and to trust more in prayer.  Most of the time, in MY own issues or struggles, I have found it tremendously difficult to pray.  TRUTH!  

I feel like I argue with myself about prayer and I am conflicted ...  

Why isn't God fixing this problem?  YOU DO NOT GET WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ASK GOD. (James 4:2b)  So, I ask ...

But then I don't seem to get a response so I must not be praying the right way!  OR WHEN YOU ASK, YOU DO NOT RECEIVE BECAUSE THE REASON YOU ASK IS WRONG. (James 4:3a)  

OR My faith isn't strong enough!  WHEN YOU ASK, YOU MUST BELIEVE AND NOT DOUBT, BECAUSE THE ONE WHO DOUBTS IS LIKE A WAVE OF THE SEA, BLOWN AND TOSSED BY THE WIND.  THAT PERSON SHOULD NOT EXPECT TO RECEIVE ANYTHING FROM THE LORD. (James 16:7)  

I don't know what the will of God is but I still try to pray as if my faith is strong enough to move the mountains but then I feel like I'm being bossy, over confident, and prideful.  YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FAITH, JESUS TOLD THEM.  I TELL YOU THE TRUTH, IF YOU HAD FAITH EVEN AS SMALL AS A MUSTARD SEED, YOU COULD SAY TO THIS MOUNTAIN, MOVE FROM HERE TO THERE, AND IT WOULD MOVE.  NOTHING WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE.  (Matthew 17:20)

So, it sometimes seems that prayer is just another way for me to continually fail and then really ... it becomes about me ... and not about God, whom I believe doesn't really NEED for me to pray in order for Him to act anyway!!  I'M CONVINCED YOU CAN DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.  NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN UPSET YOUR PLANS. (Job 42:2)

Don't get me wrong, ... I pray ... but sometimes, based on things that have or haven't happened in my past experiences, I ponder if I don't pray a certain way or the right number of times or if I didn't pray for something specific and detailed, then is it my fault that something did or didn't happen??  Is that really how God works??  It can't be ... He knows me.  He knows my heart.  I don't ever have to speak a single word out loud and He knows every thought and every word that crosses my mind.  GOD, INVESTIGATE MY LIFE; GET ALL THE FACTS FIRSTHAND.  I'M AN OPEN BOOK TO YOU; EVEN FROM A DISTANCE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING.  YOU KNOW WHEN I LEAVE AND WHEN I GET BACK; I'M NEVER OUT OF YOUR SIGHT.  YOU KNOW EVERYTHING I'M GOING TO SAY BEFORE I START THE FIRST SENTENCE.  (Psalm 139:1-5) ... but sometimes I wonder.  And I am conflicted ...

 ... with whether or not my prayers are strong enough or faithful enough to make a difference  ... to satisfy God and cause Him to move on my behalf.

 I have prayed for all manner of healing over a son who has struggled with an illness for nearly three years ... for a beloved and treasured friend ... for a mother.  It has often felt that my prayers don't seem to even come close to shifting towards positive improvement.

Do my prayers really make a difference?  In my heart, I believe they do ... I just don't always understand and my ways are not HIS WAYS.  Friends, I am starting to gather that there's way more to PRAYER than I could have ever imagined. I've seen it before in other people.  I've felt it before because of other people.  I've even experienced it for myself several times in certain circumstances but I believe that what I am entering now is something completely (not different, but) MORE, much MORE.  

It's possibly going to be a long, slow process ... I know it will take time, which may be why I've neglected to start it.  I am a person who responds quickly to assigned tasks.  I'm frequently complimented on how prompt I am.  I get an idea and I want to bring it to completion immediately.  (the older I get, the harder that is to do)

What I've realized is that to "be still" is a daily work.  I have to keep on being still, moment by moment, day by day.  I can't pile up on the stillness and then expect it to keep me going for X amount of days or weeks.

My youngest son is slow ... slow at adjusting, slow at healing, slow at expressing and communicating.  To truly help him and be there for him, I am forced to go slow.  This is a challenge for me.  But I don't really have a choice, now do I?  I'm the one that needs to get with the program ... 

At church the Sunday before Rees' first surgery, the Pastor and the Elders prayed for our family and for Rees as he was about to undergo more medical procedures.  There was special music that day.  One of the teens in our congregation played Hillsong United's OCEANS on his trombone.  Of course, there were no words, but as I know them, they sounded in my mind as he played the chords.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

Tears filled my eyes and a tightness took my throat.  I was very moved by the way he played as the words went through my mind as a prayer to the LORD, their true implication powerful, yet terrifying. I'm afraid of how brave I may have to be.  

But I am determined to cling to Jesus.  

We will see the surgeons on Monday and plans should be revealed and discussed for this week's surgeries for both Jonah and Rees.  We will share what we know when we know ... in the meantime, I will practice "Being Still" and end this very long post (bless you if you have stuck it out to the end) with one of the new prayers I have written out in my new prayer journal (more on that in future posts):

I lie down and sleep and I wake again because you, LORD, sustain me.  In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, keep me safe.  (Ps. 3:5, 4:8)  Teach me, LORD, as I need to learn to live from a place of resting in You.  I trust in You, my God!  Lead me by Your truth and teach me, for You are the God who saves me and I put my hope in You.  (Ps. 25:5)  Help me each day to be strong and courageous and to trust that You are with me wherever I go.  (Joshua 1:9, Deut. 31:6)

In Jesus' Name, AMEN