Significant Influence
As
I sat in an accounting class many years ago, I recall the instructor discussing
the term “significant influence”.
Defined, it is “the holding of a large portion of the equity of a
corporation, usually at least 20%, which give the holder a significant amount
of control over the corporation”. I
remember understanding the concept well enough but even more I was intrigued by
the sound of the two words together.
They meant something to me, although, I wasn’t quite sure what it was at
the time. However, for as long as it has
been since I first heard about it in that class, it’s been the ideal title for
the book I always wanted to write. It
was more recently that I realized that the stories of my life, those that I can
share, are guided by the “significant influence” that my God has upon my life …
even the stories that I choose not to share … are in the hands of God and I’ve
gotten through those experiences because of continually choosing to be
influenced by who He is and what He says.
Who I am in God is by His Significant Influence and it is my hope that
what He has done in my life will have a ripple effect on all of those around me
...
…here
are some of those stories.
My Testimony ... A Conversation with God.
Father
God, you know that I wasn't born into a Christian home, nor did I ever attend
church with my family. However, by Your Grace, I was blessed by the neighbor
family next door who told me about You and took me to church with them. I was
so interested in knowing about You and in my heart it just felt right; I knew
that it was true and that it was important for me to believe. When I was in the
4th grade, a friend from school invited me to go to AWANA with her. You
arranged that, didn't You? What a great club this was, one that taught me more
about You and Your Son, Jesus! I really enjoyed memorizing the Bible verses and
playing the games, hearing the stories and singing songs to You. It was there
that I was offered the opportunity to receive Jesus into my heart as my personal
Savior. I remember that night, sitting on the floor in that church basement,
with my eyes tightly shut, repeating in my mind the words that the pastor was
praying aloud. I remember feeling somewhat scared about it but knowing in my
heart that it was right for me to do it.
Then after 6th grade, we had to move to another state. You knew that was going to happen. It changed things for me. I had no church, no AWANA, no encouragement or further spiritual development. I remember trying to talk to my "new friends" about You and then I was labeled a "Jesus freak!" Spiritually, I stayed a little kid.
I thought I was a pretty good person. I didn't do drugs, smoke or go out drinking with my friends even though they would invite me. I don't think I gave my mom and dad a hard time and I always did pretty well in school. Then I thought I was really something special because I married my first love. Yet, somehow, I became depressed; I let it grab hold of me. I listened to Satan as he whispered a web of deception into my mind. Ultimately, I was the one who walked away and I became part of the statistic of divorce. I gave up on something that I had committed to without even trying, without putting forth any effort to fix the things I thought were broken. At the time, I just didn't care about anything. I didn't want help; I didn't pray to You ~ I didn't trust in You; I didn't even want it to get better.
I remember some time later, when I was living on my own and I was thinking about all the things that had happened, I realized that my whole life had spun out of control and I didn't even know how I got to where I was. I then began to pray to You, God, and as I thought about all the pain I caused, through a flood of tears, I repeated over and over, "I'm sorry," "I'm so sorry." I promised You that if I ever got another chance to be in a marriage, … in a family, … that I would do it right ... not even realizing at that time that "doing it right" meant "doing it Your way."
A few years later, You brought Brian into my life and we got married and it was all happy and wonderful, right? WRONG! You knew the struggle this would be and You knew that we would consider ending it many times. There were just so many issues to deal with that it almost seemed easier to just call it quits. But for some reason, we kept pushing forward. I would remember my "promise" and I would get frustrated and mutter to myself "FINE!"
Around two years of marriage, I came across a book that I was interested in reading. The book was called The Road to Forgiveness, by Bill and Cindy Griffiths. You know them, LORD, ... you know their story, the tragedy of losing their 11-year-old daughter and Cindy's mom to an early morning drunk driving accident. I was amazed by their story! They forgave the drunk driver and even befriended her because of their saving faith in Jesus. They spoke of their relationship with You and how they dealt with the pain of losing their loved ones ... it was because of You! I wanted what that family had! Even their children sought their peace in Jesus alone. I believed in You ... I knew who Jesus was but my life certainly did not reflect my faith the way theirs did! Brian and I talked about it and You stirred in us the need to get involved in a church. We had been casually looking but we didn't want to "church-jump" so we just didn't go. I remembered how I went to AWANA when I was a child and I looked it up on the internet to see if there were any clubs in the area in which we lived. I know that You arranged the location, the churches involved, the date and time ... it all fell into place and it was in that way that we found our church. It was there that I re-committed my life to You! It all became very real to me, not just a story, ... I became truly aware that I was never and I would never be "good" enough to earn a place in heaven because a sin is a sin is a sin ... and the punishment for sin is eternal separation from You. I don't want to be separated from You! But because I believe in You and what You did for me by sending Your Son, Jesus, to take the punishment that I deserve, I am forgiven and actually blameless in Your sight. AMAZING! I realized that there was more to just knowing about Jesus, that it was about really knowing Jesus.
On our fourth wedding anniversary, I, of course, purchased a card for Brian. On the front of it were some lovely words and a picture of three strands of some type of cord intertwined and somewhat braided together. A verse from the Bible was noted: "Two are better than one...a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9, 12" Eureka! It became really clear ... I wonder if You look down and shake Your head and say "it's about time!" I saw the beautiful picture You gave to me to help me understand ... I'm one of the strands. Brian is one of the strands. You are the third strand, the most important! If I remove the third strand, the other two will just unravel. If I remove the third strand, I would give up! The hard times would come ... and I know I would walk away! You keep me in check! You keep the strands together as one strong cord! I keep it as a reminder of who I am and who I would be without You. You have done amazing things in my life and it just keeps getting better. The closer I draw near to You and the more obedient I aim to be unto You, the greater the blessings You pour out upon my life. I can't ever take back the wrong things I've done and I'm certainly never going to be perfect this side of heaven, but each day, prayerfully, I will draw closer to You and be more like the person You intended me to be. I love You, LORD, and I thank You for Your mercy and grace. I used to think that I was really a pretty good person. But I’m older now; I’ve learned more and I’ve experienced more. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve done things that I never thought I would do. I am humbled and sometimes completely overwhelmed by the fact that my slate is clean in God’s eyes because I have accepted the wonderful gift of Salvation that He provided through His Son, Jesus. My God has forgiven me and He has restored to me a marital relationship. But, the truth of the matter is that there are still consequences for my actions, even those that have been forgiven, those that are far behind me. My participation in the failure of my first marriage caused a family to be broken apart and definitely imposed a brokenness upon my two sons, whether they realized it then or even realize it now. It wasn’t their fault or the result of any action they did. For a long time I struggled with the guilt of that knowledge despite even knowing that I was forgiven by God.
Then after 6th grade, we had to move to another state. You knew that was going to happen. It changed things for me. I had no church, no AWANA, no encouragement or further spiritual development. I remember trying to talk to my "new friends" about You and then I was labeled a "Jesus freak!" Spiritually, I stayed a little kid.
I thought I was a pretty good person. I didn't do drugs, smoke or go out drinking with my friends even though they would invite me. I don't think I gave my mom and dad a hard time and I always did pretty well in school. Then I thought I was really something special because I married my first love. Yet, somehow, I became depressed; I let it grab hold of me. I listened to Satan as he whispered a web of deception into my mind. Ultimately, I was the one who walked away and I became part of the statistic of divorce. I gave up on something that I had committed to without even trying, without putting forth any effort to fix the things I thought were broken. At the time, I just didn't care about anything. I didn't want help; I didn't pray to You ~ I didn't trust in You; I didn't even want it to get better.
I remember some time later, when I was living on my own and I was thinking about all the things that had happened, I realized that my whole life had spun out of control and I didn't even know how I got to where I was. I then began to pray to You, God, and as I thought about all the pain I caused, through a flood of tears, I repeated over and over, "I'm sorry," "I'm so sorry." I promised You that if I ever got another chance to be in a marriage, … in a family, … that I would do it right ... not even realizing at that time that "doing it right" meant "doing it Your way."
A few years later, You brought Brian into my life and we got married and it was all happy and wonderful, right? WRONG! You knew the struggle this would be and You knew that we would consider ending it many times. There were just so many issues to deal with that it almost seemed easier to just call it quits. But for some reason, we kept pushing forward. I would remember my "promise" and I would get frustrated and mutter to myself "FINE!"
Around two years of marriage, I came across a book that I was interested in reading. The book was called The Road to Forgiveness, by Bill and Cindy Griffiths. You know them, LORD, ... you know their story, the tragedy of losing their 11-year-old daughter and Cindy's mom to an early morning drunk driving accident. I was amazed by their story! They forgave the drunk driver and even befriended her because of their saving faith in Jesus. They spoke of their relationship with You and how they dealt with the pain of losing their loved ones ... it was because of You! I wanted what that family had! Even their children sought their peace in Jesus alone. I believed in You ... I knew who Jesus was but my life certainly did not reflect my faith the way theirs did! Brian and I talked about it and You stirred in us the need to get involved in a church. We had been casually looking but we didn't want to "church-jump" so we just didn't go. I remembered how I went to AWANA when I was a child and I looked it up on the internet to see if there were any clubs in the area in which we lived. I know that You arranged the location, the churches involved, the date and time ... it all fell into place and it was in that way that we found our church. It was there that I re-committed my life to You! It all became very real to me, not just a story, ... I became truly aware that I was never and I would never be "good" enough to earn a place in heaven because a sin is a sin is a sin ... and the punishment for sin is eternal separation from You. I don't want to be separated from You! But because I believe in You and what You did for me by sending Your Son, Jesus, to take the punishment that I deserve, I am forgiven and actually blameless in Your sight. AMAZING! I realized that there was more to just knowing about Jesus, that it was about really knowing Jesus.
On our fourth wedding anniversary, I, of course, purchased a card for Brian. On the front of it were some lovely words and a picture of three strands of some type of cord intertwined and somewhat braided together. A verse from the Bible was noted: "Two are better than one...a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9, 12" Eureka! It became really clear ... I wonder if You look down and shake Your head and say "it's about time!" I saw the beautiful picture You gave to me to help me understand ... I'm one of the strands. Brian is one of the strands. You are the third strand, the most important! If I remove the third strand, the other two will just unravel. If I remove the third strand, I would give up! The hard times would come ... and I know I would walk away! You keep me in check! You keep the strands together as one strong cord! I keep it as a reminder of who I am and who I would be without You. You have done amazing things in my life and it just keeps getting better. The closer I draw near to You and the more obedient I aim to be unto You, the greater the blessings You pour out upon my life. I can't ever take back the wrong things I've done and I'm certainly never going to be perfect this side of heaven, but each day, prayerfully, I will draw closer to You and be more like the person You intended me to be. I love You, LORD, and I thank You for Your mercy and grace. I used to think that I was really a pretty good person. But I’m older now; I’ve learned more and I’ve experienced more. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve done things that I never thought I would do. I am humbled and sometimes completely overwhelmed by the fact that my slate is clean in God’s eyes because I have accepted the wonderful gift of Salvation that He provided through His Son, Jesus. My God has forgiven me and He has restored to me a marital relationship. But, the truth of the matter is that there are still consequences for my actions, even those that have been forgiven, those that are far behind me. My participation in the failure of my first marriage caused a family to be broken apart and definitely imposed a brokenness upon my two sons, whether they realized it then or even realize it now. It wasn’t their fault or the result of any action they did. For a long time I struggled with the guilt of that knowledge despite even knowing that I was forgiven by God.
After we adopted our daughters, I
began to wonder if perhaps their adoptions might redeem the brokenness I caused
my two sons by divorcing their father.
Both of my daughters were abandoned at birth and their familial tie was
broken. It wasn’t their fault or the
result of any action they did. By
adopting each of them, I pondered that their adoptions might have been what we
needed to cover over the brokenness of our family and, at the same time, replace
their brokenness with the wholeness of a new family. But I know that reparation only comes from
You and You are always and only what they need, ... what I need.
I realize after looking back upon my life thus far, that You have
been with me. I know, as a child, You were
with me in my broken home. I know, as a
teenager, You were with me as I cried in the shelter of my closet. As a young naïve adult, I know that You
stayed with me to protect me from myself.
I haven’t always held on to You tightly but You have always kept me
within Your grasp, loosening Your grip only just enough to show me that I am
better off when I cling to You. I’ve
lived long enough now to know that and I’ve even seen the evidence of how You
truly affect even my children.
I
still have bad days; I still make mistakes and sometimes I still get to the
point where all I want to do is give up. Things happen and hard times come;
disappointment and failure have not disappeared … but when I stay focused on
You, LORD, and Your will, I relax in Your gentle, loving grasp and there is
peace. And I just want the same for my
children, for my family … to redeem the brokenness, to take what was broken and
make it into something new. I do not want my children to bear the consequences
of their parents’ sins and to repeat them in their own lives and then pass them
on to their children, my grandchildren and so I renounce the claim of sin from
my past and my future generations
God, You have said in Your Word that
a good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children (Proverbs
13:22). I pray that the inheritance I
leave to my children will be the rewards of a godly life and a clean heart
before You. To make sure that happens, I
ask that wherever there is any kind of bondage in me that I have inherited from
my family and accepted as mine, deliver me from it now in the name of
Jesus. I confess the sins of my family
to You. I don’t even know what all of
them are, but I know that You do. I ask
for forgiveness and restoration. I also
confess my own sins to You and ask for forgiveness, knowing Your Word says, “If
we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse
us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
I know that cleansing from sin through confession eliminates the
possibility of passing the consequences of sin on to my child. (prayer
borrowed from Stormie Omartian: The Power of a Praying Parent)
AMEN.
Friday, October 10, 2003
The Bible says we should
encourage others, in fact, in the book of Hebrews, chapter 3, verse 13, it says
"encourage one another daily...so that none of you may be hardened by
sin's deceitfulness." And in Hebrews again, chapter 10, verse 25, it says
"let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing,
but let us encourage one another ..." There's a little story I'd like to
tell you.
It was a Friday. It was the end of the week and it had been a hard week! By the time bedtime came, I was pretty drained. My husband and I were lying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. We were talking a little bit and we said our goodnights and I rolled onto my side. My husband then proceeded to drape his arm over me. What you need to know now is that when my husband starts to fall asleep, he TWITCHES - do any of you or your husbands do that? - I think it's really weird and I like to give him a hard time about it, but on this night, had he not TWITCHED, I wouldn't have this story to tell you.
So, anyway, his arm was draped over me and I began to say my prayers. I said something like this ... "Father God, thank-you for this day - thank-you for all the wonderful blessings you bestow upon me. Lord, I need to be encouraged. I'm feeling so down, please Father, send me some encouragement ..." THEN MY HUSBAND TWITCHED! He TWITCHED so BIG that he threw my whole prayer off!
"No Fair!", I said.
"What?", he whispered. "Am I falling asleep already?"
"Did you even get a chance to say your prayers yet?" I questioned.
He said, "Yes. I started to ..."
"Oh." I said.
"I was praying for you", he whispered again.
"You were?", I asked, thinking why would he be praying for me ... so I asked him?
He said, "I was praying that God would give you encouragement."
"Thanks Hon," I whispered back.
Then I prayed to God to thank Him ... I never realized an answer to prayer so quickly before! God answered my prayer by letting me know that the very thing I asked for was the very thing my husband was asking for too ... and that in itself was encouragement to me!
Psalm 10:17 - You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.
It was a Friday. It was the end of the week and it had been a hard week! By the time bedtime came, I was pretty drained. My husband and I were lying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. We were talking a little bit and we said our goodnights and I rolled onto my side. My husband then proceeded to drape his arm over me. What you need to know now is that when my husband starts to fall asleep, he TWITCHES - do any of you or your husbands do that? - I think it's really weird and I like to give him a hard time about it, but on this night, had he not TWITCHED, I wouldn't have this story to tell you.
So, anyway, his arm was draped over me and I began to say my prayers. I said something like this ... "Father God, thank-you for this day - thank-you for all the wonderful blessings you bestow upon me. Lord, I need to be encouraged. I'm feeling so down, please Father, send me some encouragement ..." THEN MY HUSBAND TWITCHED! He TWITCHED so BIG that he threw my whole prayer off!
"No Fair!", I said.
"What?", he whispered. "Am I falling asleep already?"
"Did you even get a chance to say your prayers yet?" I questioned.
He said, "Yes. I started to ..."
"Oh." I said.
"I was praying for you", he whispered again.
"You were?", I asked, thinking why would he be praying for me ... so I asked him?
He said, "I was praying that God would give you encouragement."
"Thanks Hon," I whispered back.
Then I prayed to God to thank Him ... I never realized an answer to prayer so quickly before! God answered my prayer by letting me know that the very thing I asked for was the very thing my husband was asking for too ... and that in itself was encouragement to me!
Psalm 10:17 - You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.
Jacob and I were listening to CD's while I was sewing and he was scrapbooking and the CD player was on "shuffle all CD's" when it got stuck. So I had to shut the system off and then turn it back on. As I was turning it back on, Jacob asked if we could listen to Michael W. Smith. Well, I had already pushed the "go" button when he asked and the player was making its random selection out of my 60 or more CD's so I said a quick prayer. I asked God if He could see us and hear us ... and if He heard Jacob and would grant his request ... it was a very quick request but I had such a sense of certainty ... and the song that came on was Above All, by Michael W. Smith!!! That was God's way of saying "yes" ... He did see us and He did hear Jacob’s request. What a wonderful feeling to be so sure of an answered prayer.
Sometime before October, 2006 ...
Jacob
was eleven years old … I don’t know if he remembers it, but we used to go to a
church in another town not too far away to share in a time of worship. One night, shortly after we began, a man we
called Big Mike came over to my son, Jacob and he took hold of him, in front of
everyone, and he prayed out loud and he said some wonderful things about him,
in a way that seemed as if God Himself were doing the talking. He saw something very special in Jacob; he
saw Jacob the way that God sees Jacob (the way that God intended Jacob to be)
and he said that there was such a sweetness about him. He also said that when Jacob strayed from God
(actually fortelling this), it would not be permanent and that he would return
because he belonged to God. I have never
forgotten that and I cling to that.
Jacob was so excited and he just wanted to be around Big Mike after that
and he wanted to go back.
My sons, Ben and
Jacob attended the AWANA camp during the summer, several years in a row. It was a week of reading the Bible and
memorizing verses, worshipping God through song and prayer, spending lots of
time with other Christian boys,… it had the potential to be a great experience
… and when they’d return, they were ON FIRE for the LORD! They were always so excited. Ben would always say that he wanted to get
back to reading his Bible more and they were inspired to move forward towards the
leading of the LORD … they couldn’t wait to go again! One particular summer, my mother had been
quite ill in the weeks around their time at AWANA camp. It was pretty serious and she had to have a
surgery with quite a lengthy recovery. In conversation with my mother, during
that week when the boys were away at camp, she mentioned that she had been
praying and was considering going to church.
This would be a huge step for my mother and I remember being excited to
tell the boys when I picked them up from camp.
When they asked how their Grandma was doing, I told them what she had
told me. Ben actually started to cry and
as he struggled to regain composure, he told me how he had prayed with a group
of boys while at camp and that he had specifically asked the group to pray with
him about his grandmother who needed healing, both physically and
spiritually. Ben knew that God had heard
his prayer, regardless of the outcome ultimately chosen by his Grandma.
January, 2006
It
was when we adopted our first daughter that I truly realized how special, how
amazing, how Spiritually driven adoption really is … God is a part of every
aspect, even the most intimate details of our lives, even when we don’t
acknowledge Him. Choosing to adopt a
child made a tremendous impact on my life; getting to know other families who
have adopted has shown me that there are so many families with an amazing story
of how God touched them through adoption, how He gets right down on our level
and lets us know that adoption was His idea, His plan to reveal the magnitude
of His own love for us and that because of His love we can and should reach out
and let adoption touch us.
At
first glance, we would not have chosen her.
In fact, when shown the three separate documents showing photos of
little girls on a waiting child list, we immediately pushed the information
sheet with her photo aside.
I was on my way to work that day, listening
to the same Christian radio station I had listened to for several years,
hearing the same disc jockeys announce the “child of the day” sponsorship
opportunity as they did at the same time every day. Interested persons could call in to “sponsor”
the child mentioned, usually in less-fortunate countries, by financially
supporting the program and sending letters, photos and small gifts to the
child, thus improving the well-being and future of that child while creating a
friendship. I had heard this promotion
repeatedly and it was always the same.
But that day was different … There wasn’t [a] “child of the day”;
there were fourteen children, … five of them girls, aged 5, from CHINA
… unprecedented and unheard of in all the time they had been promoting the
program. Immediately, I was in a
panic! I became so excited and anxious
and distressed all at the same time. I don’t carry a cell phone and
because I was still a good twenty minutes from work, I believed there was no
way I would make it in time to sponsor one of the little girls. History told me that these children would all
be sponsored before I could get to work to make that call. I began praying, “Please, LORD, … Please,
LORD …” as I gripped the steering wheel tightly with tears streaming down my
face. “Save one for me, LORD, … just
one.” I was nearly frantic but then, all
of a sudden… I felt a calming peace come over me while I was pleading and
praying; I could feel God wanting me to trust Him. I just knew that He
would do as I asked.
Still, when I got to work I ran all the way
inside until I reached the phone in my office and I dialed the number as fast
as I could. I misdialed and had to do it
again! UGH!!! On my second try, the call went through and a
woman answered the phone. Still trying
to catch my breath from running, I shouted out, “Are any of the girls from
China left?” There was this incredibly
long pause; it must have been at least 10 seconds, and finally, she replied, “I
have only one girl left.” I shouted back
at her, “God saved that ONE for me!”
I was so excited and I wanted to tell my
husband all about it so I emailed him at work.
I typed out the experience and then, strangely, at the bottom of the
email, I typed the following:
“I wonder if China
has any 5-year-olds to adopt?”
During the four and a half years since we
married, Brian and I had pondered and discussed adoption as a means of growing
our blended family. As many times as we
brought up the subject, we turned it down as well. We had enough issues
just trying to blend our lives together with our children that it just didn't
seem right to take that step. In my
heart, I wanted another child, a child with him, and I prayed to God that if we
were ever to take the route of adoption that Brian would be as much in favor of
it as myself. I knew that we BOTH had to want to take that step TOGETHER!
“I wonder if China has any 5-year-olds
to adopt?”
I stared blankly at the typed question for
what seemed like a very long time and then I deleted it. I silently ridiculed myself, “Why in the
world would you type such a thing? We’ve
been through this. Why do you keep doing
this to yourself?” But I felt a nudging,
a gentle push, (literally behind my left shoulder … that’s how specific it
was), as if to say, “go ahead, type it, … go ahead.”
So, I re-typed it and sent it off, deciding I
wouldn’t make an issue of it. A little
while later, Brian called me. He said
that he had just read my email and that he was very excited that I was finally
able to sponsor a girl from China. We
talked about it for a bit, but he kept getting interrupted due to his being at
work so I said that I would just talk to him later. And that was that. I really didn’t think any more of it. Well, a while later, before I was getting
ready to leave for the day, I noticed my voicemail light was flashing and
because it was a Friday afternoon, I thought I better check my messages. I had only one. It was from Brian. He said he was sorry he hadn’t been able to
talk earlier and that he really just wanted to tell me that he had read the last line of my email, about adopting a child from
China … he said that he really wanted to do that, to adopt a little girl with
me and he wanted her to be from China.
I was ecstatic and anxious and in awe all at
the same time as I listened to the voice message with my eyes welling up with
tears. I thought to myself, “Oh my
goodness, … are you serious? Are we
really going to grow our family?” It had
taken what seemed so long to come to this point and there had even been moments
when we were firm on the thought that it was just something we would never do,
but God arranged that day and orchestrated bringing two little Chinese girls
into our lives, one through child sponsorship and one through adoption.
I can’t tell you why it was China that so
peaked my interest … the same as I can’t tell you why I prefer wildflowers over
roses or how I get excited over a rainy day or why I really enjoy the sound of
frogs croaking … it just appeals to me, innately … it always has. When I was in the third grade the teacher
taught our class how to count to 100 in Chinese. She had spent time in China teaching so she
must have thought that would be a good thing to pass on to us … I’ve remembered
it to this day. My favorite book when I was
a child was Little Pear by Eleanor Frances Lattimore, a book about a
little Chinese boy and his life in China, which I can remember reading
repeatedly at the public library in the Kids Corner. I’ve always been fascinated with Chinese New Year and I enjoy looking at
oriental décor and photos of the ancient structures. I remember a time when I said to my husband as
we ate our dinners in a local Chinese restaurant, “Honey, I’d like to go to
China someday.” He, of course, said,
“Ok, we’ll go.” Not that any of these
are prerequisites to adopting a child from China but, for me, the type of
person that I am, it makes all the difference – it matters to me to have these
little links. Different points,
insignificant by themselves, but when they are connected they reveal a
beautiful picture, a great plan taking shape and becoming its true
intention. I believe that God prepared
me for China from the very beginning.
I
had been reading over the pre-application for adoption and came to a question:
Are you willing to adopt a child with minor, correctable needs? What does that mean, I thought? Believe it or not, I “Googled” it! Really, I did! I found one of the most common occurrences of
“minor, correctable need” was cleft lip and/or palate and I found that this was
involved with many Chinese adoptions. I
read quite a bit about it, what was involved with correcting it and thought it
didn’t seem like a big deal at all. My
husband agreed so we wrote “yes” next to the question. In retrospect, that seems rather naïve of us
but I believe that our naivety was for our own good.
We had
our first meeting with the adoption agency less than a month after the child
sponsorship day. The Social Worker went
over all of the information we needed to know about adopting a child from
China. She then stated that because we
had noted on our preliminary application that we were looking to adopt a child
between the ages of 2 and 5, and we were open to minor correctable special
needs, she could show us the children who were currently available on what is
known as “the waiting child list.” We
were given information sheets, including photos, of three little girls who were
"waiting" to be adopted.
Because two of the girls listed were born with cleft lip and/or palate,
we were immediately interested in looking at their information. In fact, we only glanced at the third little
girl’s photo, read the name of her “special need” and not knowing at all what
it was, moved the sheet aside.
The Social Worker suggested emailing us their information to give
us time to consider from home. Though I
can’t really say why, I actually asked if she could email us all three of the
girls’ information sheets and she agreed.
When we arrived home, we discovered that the Social Worker had already
emailed us and she stated that the two girls with the cleft lip/palate were
already "on hold" for other families.
There was only one girl left on the current “waiting list”, the girl
whose information sheet we had moved aside.
A little light bulb went on …
We looked at the copy of her picture for a bit and then we read
her information on the email. We looked
at the copy of her picture again and then we looked up her condition in the
medical dictionary. We looked at the
copy of her picture again; she was almost smiling. How about that? It was when we scrolled down to the bottom of
the email that this little girl came to life.
The picture attached to the email was in color whereas the copy we were
given was in black and white. She was
the only child left on the “Waiting Child List” at that time. No one else had requested her. Had all three girls been available and we
were given
the choice, in all honesty we would not have chosen her. But I couldn’t
imagine turning away and leaving her on that list. I heard myself saying, “Please, LORD,
… Please, LORD … Save one for me, LORD, … just one.” God knew better than our imperfect ability to
choose … GOD SAVED THIS CHILD JUST FOR US.
Friday,
September 22, 2006
Waiting
to be the mother of my Chinese daughter was more painful than I ever imagined
it would be. Towards the end of my wait,
it really felt as though the road had been long and painful and I didn’t think
I was going to be able to endure it any longer.
One night, I was searching the Bible again as I had been doing frequently
and I was directed to the Psalms again. A friend from England suggested I read
Psalm 51, especially verse 6. I read this and I was confused. Psalm 51 is a
plea from King David for mercy, forgiveness and cleansing; my Bible read under
the theme for that section that "God wants our hearts to be right with
him." Well, … my heart is right with God! I know my God is merciful and I love Him and
want only to please Him! Why would this person direct me to this chapter; how
is this supposed to encourage me?
Verse
6 in Psalm 51 reads, "But you desire honesty from my heart, so you can
teach me to be wise in my inmost being." I read the footnotes given at the
bottom of the page and all of a sudden it was like a light bulb went on. I knew in that instant that I was sinning
each time I was negative about not getting my travel invitation to China; I'd
been sinning when I hadn't trusted God with the awesome power and control that
He really does have in my life. I'd been sinning with each struggle of
impatience, doubt, fear, insecurity ... because God's plans are perfect and I
had been acting like He wasn’t helping, like He wasn’t doing His job, and like
He should have been doing more! When I realized this, I prayed for forgiveness
and cleansing just like Psalm 51 talked about. I felt better but I also felt
like I needed something to propel me forward; I recognized I had been wrong those
last few weeks but I really needed something to keep me going.
So,
Brian and I looked through other passages then and I was stopped at Psalm 37.
Psalm 37:7 says, "Be still
before the presence of the LORD and wait patiently for him to act."
Well, I took this verse and "ran with it", writing it on our dry
erase board and memorizing it immediately. I fell asleep that night saying it
over and over to myself and then on my way to work the next morning. The notes
in my Bible relating to Psalm 37:7 and its surrounding verses say the
following: "To commit ourselves to the Lord means entrusting
everything - our lives, families, jobs, possessions - to his control and
guidance. To commit ourselves to the Lord means to trust in him, believing that
he can care for us better than we can ourselves. We should be willing to wait
patiently for him to work out what is best for us." I wasn’t totally
entrusting "the wait" to the LORD; I am certain of that! But God is
SO GOOD ... because He sticks with me even when I'm not doing it right! He
loves me and He tries to get me to "understand" (by using the people
around me who keep me in His Word) even when I'd rather be stubborn. And He's
ALWAYS faithful and He ALWAYS keeps His promises! THANK-YOU FATHER
GOD~THANK-YOU!!!
That
next morning, when I arrived to work after repeating Psalm 37:7 over and over
on my drive, feeling calm and at peace and fully trusting in God for His
timing, … I received the phone call telling me that China had given us the
approval to go to China to adopt our daughter.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Well,
here's some news we don't usually have! Last evening Ben had an accident ... on
a bicycle. This is basically the first time anything has ever happened to Ben.
I was sitting at the computer (I don't even know what I was doing anymore) and
Jacob came into the house (strangely, pretty calmly) and said that Ben did a "face-plant"
... meaning, of course, that Ben had had some sort of incident. We usually
assume that Ben's injuries would be caused from skate-boarding, however, we
quickly learned that Ben had been riding a bicycle and I ran from my chair in
front of the computer and out the front door.
There was a crowd of neighborhood boys huddling towards Ben, who was walking up the street towards our house, his face bloodied and bruised, his arm and leg wounded as well. I was so stunned that I nearly burst into tears as I rushed through the mob of boys and grabbed Ben! It was at this point that I realized just how big my first born really is! He is bigger than me ... heavier than me ... not the little boy I remember! I couldn't just pick him up and carry him inside!!! This really frustrated me!
We proceeded to go into the house to attempt to clean him up and evaluate the situation. At first I thought that he was just banged up pretty badly but it became clear that something was a bit wrong. Ben was pretty calm and seemed a little dazed; I thought it was just that he didn't want to move much because of the pain. He started repeating the same questions over and over ... "What time is it?" "What happened?" "I was riding a bicycle? ... what bicycle?" "How did that get here?" "Who was there?" And these questions were repeated at least six times and I started to get a little scared so I called the hospital and they said that we should bring him in to the emergency room.
At the hospital, they evaluated him and initially said that he had a concussion and a broken cheek bone. After doing a CT Scan to determine if there was any internal damage, they scratched the broken cheek bone and said the concussion and exterior wounds seemed to be the extent. They gave us a list of things to watch for and said that Ben would need to be woken up and monitored every two hours for 24 hours. So, needless to say, Ben and I stayed home today - no school, no work! He seems to be doing better now aside from the wounds and bruising. I believe I'll send him off to school tomorrow and we'll see how he does.
The ER was an interesting adventure. Ben was quite fortunate, of course. After we arrived, the ER became a full house! It seems that Ben set a trend. Across the hall was a pregnant woman we think was having a possible miscarriage. On one side of Ben's room was another boy who was also in a bicycle accident. That boy probably felt he fared worse as he had to get several stitches in his lip. At one point, most likely as he was getting the "numbing" shot prior to stitches, he screamed in terror for at least 4 LONG minutes; it was like nothing Ben nor I had ever heard. Of course this was as the doctor was trying to give me the instructions for Ben's care. On the other side of Ben's room was an elderly man who was very distraught. We don't know why he was there but he was quite ornary. He might likely have had a concussion also as he kept repeating the same things over and over too ... only, he was much louder than Ben had been. We felt strange and sad for these people, yet relieved that Ben's condition hadn't been worse.
What I find really strange is that during this entire experience, I didn't engage the LORD in prayer ... not even once. This is a confession, albeit a strange one. I did not ask Him to make Ben be OK. I did not ask for strength and guidance. I did not pray that God would get us through it. But do you know what? Through the entire experience I was really calm. (anyone who knows me might now be saying, "HUH? ... you weren't FREAKING out?") I didn't actually doubt that God was there ... He was guiding us and giving us the strength, helping us through the whole ordeal ... even though I didn't ask. Afterwards, I just pondered that thought and thanked the LORD for making everything turn out OK. When I told Brian about it, he told me that he DID pray. His prayer?
His prayer was that I would be calm and strengthened by God to get through this situation.
The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. ~James 5:16b
There was a crowd of neighborhood boys huddling towards Ben, who was walking up the street towards our house, his face bloodied and bruised, his arm and leg wounded as well. I was so stunned that I nearly burst into tears as I rushed through the mob of boys and grabbed Ben! It was at this point that I realized just how big my first born really is! He is bigger than me ... heavier than me ... not the little boy I remember! I couldn't just pick him up and carry him inside!!! This really frustrated me!
We proceeded to go into the house to attempt to clean him up and evaluate the situation. At first I thought that he was just banged up pretty badly but it became clear that something was a bit wrong. Ben was pretty calm and seemed a little dazed; I thought it was just that he didn't want to move much because of the pain. He started repeating the same questions over and over ... "What time is it?" "What happened?" "I was riding a bicycle? ... what bicycle?" "How did that get here?" "Who was there?" And these questions were repeated at least six times and I started to get a little scared so I called the hospital and they said that we should bring him in to the emergency room.
At the hospital, they evaluated him and initially said that he had a concussion and a broken cheek bone. After doing a CT Scan to determine if there was any internal damage, they scratched the broken cheek bone and said the concussion and exterior wounds seemed to be the extent. They gave us a list of things to watch for and said that Ben would need to be woken up and monitored every two hours for 24 hours. So, needless to say, Ben and I stayed home today - no school, no work! He seems to be doing better now aside from the wounds and bruising. I believe I'll send him off to school tomorrow and we'll see how he does.
The ER was an interesting adventure. Ben was quite fortunate, of course. After we arrived, the ER became a full house! It seems that Ben set a trend. Across the hall was a pregnant woman we think was having a possible miscarriage. On one side of Ben's room was another boy who was also in a bicycle accident. That boy probably felt he fared worse as he had to get several stitches in his lip. At one point, most likely as he was getting the "numbing" shot prior to stitches, he screamed in terror for at least 4 LONG minutes; it was like nothing Ben nor I had ever heard. Of course this was as the doctor was trying to give me the instructions for Ben's care. On the other side of Ben's room was an elderly man who was very distraught. We don't know why he was there but he was quite ornary. He might likely have had a concussion also as he kept repeating the same things over and over too ... only, he was much louder than Ben had been. We felt strange and sad for these people, yet relieved that Ben's condition hadn't been worse.
What I find really strange is that during this entire experience, I didn't engage the LORD in prayer ... not even once. This is a confession, albeit a strange one. I did not ask Him to make Ben be OK. I did not ask for strength and guidance. I did not pray that God would get us through it. But do you know what? Through the entire experience I was really calm. (anyone who knows me might now be saying, "HUH? ... you weren't FREAKING out?") I didn't actually doubt that God was there ... He was guiding us and giving us the strength, helping us through the whole ordeal ... even though I didn't ask. Afterwards, I just pondered that thought and thanked the LORD for making everything turn out OK. When I told Brian about it, he told me that he DID pray. His prayer?
His prayer was that I would be calm and strengthened by God to get through this situation.
The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. ~James 5:16b
Friday, October 26, 2007
First of
all, let me say that I am just in tears at all of the emails and messages we
have been getting. There are so many and your prayers, comments, thoughts and
gentleness are so uplifting and so appreciated. Thank-you all so much for all
of it! God has blessed us by all of your love.
We are now on the 5th floor of Children's Hospital of Wisconsin. Molly's room number is 578-A. She is doing better than that first day and for those of you who have asked, YES, I believe that she can receive flowers and such. Last night was much better compared to the first night. Our little Mollybug has begun eating and drinking, ... water, juice, crushed popsicles, jello and yogurt. She's doing a good job with that. She's also been able to get up and walk around little jaunts at a time and she's able to go to the bathroom. We help her walk and move around but we're pretty impressed with her current mobility.
Her face and eyes are a bit more swollen today so she's having trouble getting her eyes open even a little bit, but this is normal. The area on her head (from ear to ear with staples) is what seems to be bothering her the most but she is getting Codeine every 4 hours and that helps quite a bit. The doctors and nurses have already begun to transition her care to us and they've taught us how to clean and care for her head, nose, body, etc ... I've been able to do this process twice now already. The cleaning of her "wounds" irritates her a bit because the solution used to clean it burns a little and the antibacterial ointment has to be coated right onto the entire wound across her head. But we've gotten through it.
I feel that I've grown so much from this experience already. I've done things with and for Molly here at the hospital that I've never done before, let alone ever thought I would do. It's like a whole new level of parenting for me. It's odd that with all of our other children, I never had to experience anything even close to this. I FEEL that God is working something out ... I really have no idea why or what, but I can just FEEL it. I know there are so many of my “special-needs-mommy-comrades” that know exactly what I'm talking about and know exactly how I feel ... I just feel like I've entered a whole new realm of territory and it's a little scary but a "growth-thing", a spiritual and physical education (both my spirit and my body are really feeling this!) and I know that it will be for something very positive.
Our little Mollybug is such a brave little trooper. It really amazes me the strength and the courage that she has. I love her so much and I'm so proud of her! Olivia, Ben and Jacob came to visit Molly yesterday and I was so proud of them too! They really did great and they were so gentle and considerate of their little sister. Thanks guys ... I really love you so much too!
Our love and hugs to you all ... we are really enjoying those cyber hugs!!! Really CAN feel them! We'll continue to update as well.
LORD, thank-you for your provisions over us, for your love and your mercy. Bless all of our family and friends who have been so supportive and loving; keep them safe and guide them as you have so compassionately guided us. In Jesus' Name, AMEN.
We are now on the 5th floor of Children's Hospital of Wisconsin. Molly's room number is 578-A. She is doing better than that first day and for those of you who have asked, YES, I believe that she can receive flowers and such. Last night was much better compared to the first night. Our little Mollybug has begun eating and drinking, ... water, juice, crushed popsicles, jello and yogurt. She's doing a good job with that. She's also been able to get up and walk around little jaunts at a time and she's able to go to the bathroom. We help her walk and move around but we're pretty impressed with her current mobility.
Her face and eyes are a bit more swollen today so she's having trouble getting her eyes open even a little bit, but this is normal. The area on her head (from ear to ear with staples) is what seems to be bothering her the most but she is getting Codeine every 4 hours and that helps quite a bit. The doctors and nurses have already begun to transition her care to us and they've taught us how to clean and care for her head, nose, body, etc ... I've been able to do this process twice now already. The cleaning of her "wounds" irritates her a bit because the solution used to clean it burns a little and the antibacterial ointment has to be coated right onto the entire wound across her head. But we've gotten through it.
I feel that I've grown so much from this experience already. I've done things with and for Molly here at the hospital that I've never done before, let alone ever thought I would do. It's like a whole new level of parenting for me. It's odd that with all of our other children, I never had to experience anything even close to this. I FEEL that God is working something out ... I really have no idea why or what, but I can just FEEL it. I know there are so many of my “special-needs-mommy-comrades” that know exactly what I'm talking about and know exactly how I feel ... I just feel like I've entered a whole new realm of territory and it's a little scary but a "growth-thing", a spiritual and physical education (both my spirit and my body are really feeling this!) and I know that it will be for something very positive.
Our little Mollybug is such a brave little trooper. It really amazes me the strength and the courage that she has. I love her so much and I'm so proud of her! Olivia, Ben and Jacob came to visit Molly yesterday and I was so proud of them too! They really did great and they were so gentle and considerate of their little sister. Thanks guys ... I really love you so much too!
Our love and hugs to you all ... we are really enjoying those cyber hugs!!! Really CAN feel them! We'll continue to update as well.
LORD, thank-you for your provisions over us, for your love and your mercy. Bless all of our family and friends who have been so supportive and loving; keep them safe and guide them as you have so compassionately guided us. In Jesus' Name, AMEN.
Friday, December 14, 2007
I know
that this time of year is supposed to be joyful and festive and just full of
warm fuzzies and overflowing cups of cheer. But it hasn't felt that way to me
... it's been too busy, it's been too hectic, ... I've been too sick and tired
(colds, sinus infection, aches and fatigue ...) ... so many things going on and
activities to keep up with ... the surprise and wonder is missing as everyone
already knows what they're "getting" and gift-giving has become
seemingly obligatory or on the other side of that, it is forbidden. I've been
feeling kind of like a scrooge and just wishing for the holiday to hurry up and
"go away" ... and then something happened ...
(to the tune of 12 days of Christmas ) On the twelfth day before Christmas, a festive spirit I observed, when my mom and dad, ... in true love they did serve ...
My morning started off miserably, what with not feeling well and all and then to top it off, I discovered that I need more practice in the parenting department. Today was Molly's holiday program at her school. I had laid out her clothes, a nice little pink sweater and matching leggings. Well, I soon found out, because of her whimpering and tears, that she had intended to wear a holiday dress. She neglected to let me know this ... and I just was not aware that this is what she wanted. When I saw in her eyes how important it was, I felt terrible, but it was too late ... so I rushed around trying to put together a dress that she already had (non-holiday dress) with a long sleeve shirt underneath so as not to freeze her out. Well, it just had to do and she seemed somewhat pacified.
My mother threw out her back yesterday; it's so bad that she can hardly even walk. Usually, on the days when I go to work, I drop Molly Frances off at my parent's home in the morning. The routine is that my mom gives Molly a breakfast and takes her to school. My mom even gives me a little breakfast treat on those mornings.
Well, today, when I arrived to my parent's, "what to my wondering eyes should appear ... ??? but my dad already awake and brimming with cheer!"
My dad is usually still sleeping when I arrive and he's really NOT the morning type. He was showered and dressed and drinking his coffee ... such an unusual sight for so early in the morning. But the shock came even greater still as my dad had prepared my breakfast treat and had Molly's breakfast ready as well!!! He also drove Molly to school so that my mom could rest ...(never mind that he took her to the wrong school, a tiny error that was quickly reconciled) ... you did a great job today, Dad! You showed me a little tiny bit of Christmas! There's a reason for the Christmas season and it just makes people feel all gooey inside and do things that they might not normally do. It's one thing to see someone be caring and serving in their usual way, to some it just comes naturally. But to see someone step outside of their comfort zone, their usual pattern of life and take charge with a gentleness and quality of sincerity ... well, it's quite something else.
After I left for work, my parents were off to the store, ... my mother hobbling around, my dad at her side to help her maneuver, ... to pick out TWO holiday dresses and a pair of shoes too!!! I was able to get to Molly's school a little early and change her into a more appropriate dress. She was very pleased with her new clothes! Thanks Mom and Dad!!!
Molly ... singing her songs ... Molly with her good friend, Finn
(to the tune of 12 days of Christmas ) On the twelfth day before Christmas, a festive spirit I observed, when my mom and dad, ... in true love they did serve ...
My morning started off miserably, what with not feeling well and all and then to top it off, I discovered that I need more practice in the parenting department. Today was Molly's holiday program at her school. I had laid out her clothes, a nice little pink sweater and matching leggings. Well, I soon found out, because of her whimpering and tears, that she had intended to wear a holiday dress. She neglected to let me know this ... and I just was not aware that this is what she wanted. When I saw in her eyes how important it was, I felt terrible, but it was too late ... so I rushed around trying to put together a dress that she already had (non-holiday dress) with a long sleeve shirt underneath so as not to freeze her out. Well, it just had to do and she seemed somewhat pacified.
My mother threw out her back yesterday; it's so bad that she can hardly even walk. Usually, on the days when I go to work, I drop Molly Frances off at my parent's home in the morning. The routine is that my mom gives Molly a breakfast and takes her to school. My mom even gives me a little breakfast treat on those mornings.
Well, today, when I arrived to my parent's, "what to my wondering eyes should appear ... ??? but my dad already awake and brimming with cheer!"
My dad is usually still sleeping when I arrive and he's really NOT the morning type. He was showered and dressed and drinking his coffee ... such an unusual sight for so early in the morning. But the shock came even greater still as my dad had prepared my breakfast treat and had Molly's breakfast ready as well!!! He also drove Molly to school so that my mom could rest ...(never mind that he took her to the wrong school, a tiny error that was quickly reconciled) ... you did a great job today, Dad! You showed me a little tiny bit of Christmas! There's a reason for the Christmas season and it just makes people feel all gooey inside and do things that they might not normally do. It's one thing to see someone be caring and serving in their usual way, to some it just comes naturally. But to see someone step outside of their comfort zone, their usual pattern of life and take charge with a gentleness and quality of sincerity ... well, it's quite something else.
After I left for work, my parents were off to the store, ... my mother hobbling around, my dad at her side to help her maneuver, ... to pick out TWO holiday dresses and a pair of shoes too!!! I was able to get to Molly's school a little early and change her into a more appropriate dress. She was very pleased with her new clothes! Thanks Mom and Dad!!!
Molly ... singing her songs ... Molly with her good friend, Finn
Thursday, December 20, 2007
6th Day Before Christmas … I just
had to giggle tonight as Molly Frances said her prayers. I don't know if she
really said it exactly like this but this is how I heard it ... she prayed the
LORD's Prayer and it went something like this ...
Our Fadder, who is in heaven
Haldowd be thy the name
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be dumb
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day, our daily butter
Forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us
Lead us not into tempa-tation
Deliber us from evil
Divine is the power and the glory
Forever and ever ... AMEN
Our Fadder, who is in heaven
Haldowd be thy the name
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be dumb
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day, our daily butter
Forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us
Lead us not into tempa-tation
Deliber us from evil
Divine is the power and the glory
Forever and ever ... AMEN
Friday, June 29, 2007
We would like to adopt one more
child, basically for Molly this time. We feel it will be beneficial for her to
have a Chinese sister, a playmate closer to her age, and an adopted sibling
whom she can relate to, especially as she gets older and begins to have a
greater understanding of who she is and where she came from. We also don't want
her to feel like an "only child" when our other children have left
the nest, which they assure us they will do in only a few short years! :)
Well, as we began completing the preliminary steps, fear crept around and whispered in my thoughts. I had fears relating to the costs for the adoption, especially being that it's so close to Molly's adoption. I had fears that another adoption couldn't possibly go as smoothly as the first one and that another child couldn't possibly attach to us as easily and quickly as Molly did. I had fears that another child could negatively affect the wonderful "two peas in a pod" relationship that Molly and I seem to have. And I feared the contemplation of our child's special need, whatever it might be.
So, yesterday afternoon as I was driving home from work, I was talking with God and I was telling him my fears and wondering if it was really right for us to start another adoption. I went back and forth with all my fears and finally just blurted out, "God, can't you just give me a sign? Can't you just tell me what YOU want us to do? The answer can't be NO just because of money and fear - LOVE is bigger than that and it has to be about LOVE." I really try NOT to be a person expecting or always looking for "signs"; it sounds so cliché'. I really strive to be a person of faith, following God's directions, but sometimes, I just wish that God would be more obvious. What can I say? It's so much easier for me to do something that others might think is crazy when I can just say, "God says so". I feel like where God is concerned, there can't be anything wrong with adoption, but other times I just don't know. As I continued my drive home, I just let it go, thinking that I don't have to panic, I have a few days to let my fears "ride". And in some small way, I knew the answer would come.
After dinner, as we turned to the next page of our devotional book, everything changed. But I have to give a little background to the evening before so the full impact is made. Usually, for the dinner devotion, Brian reads the Scripture verse(s) and I read the story and the "key verse" included with the story. When we did the devotion the evening before, I didn't feel like reading (at all) so Brian read both the Scripture and the story. However, none of us caught that Brian didn't read the "key verse" that evening, not even Brian realized it. So, the following evening, he asked me if I was up to reading and I said that it would be okay. Well, immediately, my eyes glanced at the "key verse" from the previous evening and I said to Brian, "oh, you must not have read this last night" ... [you know how you glance at something and you know the words are new to you, but you don't really take in their meaning, that's what it was like] ... so then I felt compelled to read the words out loud. I wish that I could adequately describe to you what actually happened, but I don't know if I could find the right words. But I read the verse out loud, and then I smiled (like one of those soft, gentle smiles), paused, said, "oh" (not yet the eureka moment but like the light bulb was about to come on) ... and then I felt a "kick" in my chest (as if so much power was exerted when the light bulb was turned on that it shattered) ... and then I began to cry to the awe of my family around the dinner table. It was so "step-by-step", almost in slow motion, and there was actually a physical feeling involved. When I could finally speak, I told them what I just told you ... I know that God answered my prayer, He graciously gave me that "sign" via the Holy Spirit and His Holy Word.
So, do you want to know the verse (it was my first time ever to read it)?
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear ~ 1 John 4:18
Well, as we began completing the preliminary steps, fear crept around and whispered in my thoughts. I had fears relating to the costs for the adoption, especially being that it's so close to Molly's adoption. I had fears that another adoption couldn't possibly go as smoothly as the first one and that another child couldn't possibly attach to us as easily and quickly as Molly did. I had fears that another child could negatively affect the wonderful "two peas in a pod" relationship that Molly and I seem to have. And I feared the contemplation of our child's special need, whatever it might be.
So, yesterday afternoon as I was driving home from work, I was talking with God and I was telling him my fears and wondering if it was really right for us to start another adoption. I went back and forth with all my fears and finally just blurted out, "God, can't you just give me a sign? Can't you just tell me what YOU want us to do? The answer can't be NO just because of money and fear - LOVE is bigger than that and it has to be about LOVE." I really try NOT to be a person expecting or always looking for "signs"; it sounds so cliché'. I really strive to be a person of faith, following God's directions, but sometimes, I just wish that God would be more obvious. What can I say? It's so much easier for me to do something that others might think is crazy when I can just say, "God says so". I feel like where God is concerned, there can't be anything wrong with adoption, but other times I just don't know. As I continued my drive home, I just let it go, thinking that I don't have to panic, I have a few days to let my fears "ride". And in some small way, I knew the answer would come.
After dinner, as we turned to the next page of our devotional book, everything changed. But I have to give a little background to the evening before so the full impact is made. Usually, for the dinner devotion, Brian reads the Scripture verse(s) and I read the story and the "key verse" included with the story. When we did the devotion the evening before, I didn't feel like reading (at all) so Brian read both the Scripture and the story. However, none of us caught that Brian didn't read the "key verse" that evening, not even Brian realized it. So, the following evening, he asked me if I was up to reading and I said that it would be okay. Well, immediately, my eyes glanced at the "key verse" from the previous evening and I said to Brian, "oh, you must not have read this last night" ... [you know how you glance at something and you know the words are new to you, but you don't really take in their meaning, that's what it was like] ... so then I felt compelled to read the words out loud. I wish that I could adequately describe to you what actually happened, but I don't know if I could find the right words. But I read the verse out loud, and then I smiled (like one of those soft, gentle smiles), paused, said, "oh" (not yet the eureka moment but like the light bulb was about to come on) ... and then I felt a "kick" in my chest (as if so much power was exerted when the light bulb was turned on that it shattered) ... and then I began to cry to the awe of my family around the dinner table. It was so "step-by-step", almost in slow motion, and there was actually a physical feeling involved. When I could finally speak, I told them what I just told you ... I know that God answered my prayer, He graciously gave me that "sign" via the Holy Spirit and His Holy Word.
So, do you want to know the verse (it was my first time ever to read it)?
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear ~ 1 John 4:18
August,
2007
Brynn
XiaoShuang
That's the name of our newest
daughter ... YES, we've found her already!!! We can't believe it, but while
we're still only completing the paperwork for our dossier to send to China, we
have found the little girl that we believe is the next
"Prender-berg!" So, let us tell you how this all happened ...
At the beginning of July, we
began working with our adoption agency and accumulating the necessary paperwork
for our dossier. We also set the date for our home study visit, which will
cover our final post placement for Molly's adoption and the visit required for
this new home study/adoption. The initial plan was that we would complete our
dossier, send it off to China and then wait to find our daughter on one of the
COP (child of promise) lists that are issued to our agency every 2-3 months
from CCAA (Center for Chinese Adoption Affairs). We had intended from the start
to pursue the adoption of another child with minor correctable special needs,
just as we did with Molly. However, we had discussed amongst ourselves our
concerns with trying to choose from 8 - 10 little girls that might be on a
list. In my heart, I believe, that it is impossible for me to choose my
daughter from a list of several wonderful, beautiful little girls who each
deserve the love and security of a family. We had discussed that we were a
little uncomfortable with this process, but knew that this was the way it had
to be with the agency that we are with.
You must know, with our adoption
of Molly, it really ended up that we did not choose her from a list; we did not
select her from a group of little girls available for adoption. We were shown
three photos of little girls and told that we could consider if one of them was
our daughter. By the time we arrived home to read through each of their
reports, we received an email from our social worker stating that Molly was the
only little girl still available on the list - a list that had been issued over
a month earlier. We believe that she was the little girl that was saved just
for us; we didn't have to choose, God chose her for us ... we just said
"YES!" And she is, without a doubt, a perfect match for our family!
So, in the last week, during my
prayers and discussions with God, I asked God to choose the little girl that
would be our next daughter. I told Him that we didn't want to have to choose,
that we trust Him and we know that His choice for us is the best choice. I
prayed that God would somehow arrange for our next daughter to be saved just
for us again, and that we would know it ... because there would be no choosing.
This last Thursday, a good friend
of mine, who happens to be a walking rolodex of adoption information, emailed
me the photo of a little girl listed with an agency in Oregon. I knew in the
subject of the email that my friend was emailing me a child's photo and I was
at first "frustrated" about opening it because I knew this would be a
child that wasn't listed with our agency and, therefore, we wouldn't be able to
even consider adopting her. I almost didn't open the email. However, I did ...
all my friend typed in the email was "This little girl is on a WC
list….Looks like Molly’s SN???" Oh, well, that certainly peaked my
curiosity!!! So, I opened the photo and saw a beautiful little girl that
reminded me of Molly and tugged at my heart. I quickly emailed my friend back
and asked her if the child's special need was listed. She replied,
"meningoencephalocele". My heart started to pitter-patter! I emailed
again and asked if she knew how old the child was. She replied that she thought
she was about 3-years-old. PERFECT!!! Oh, but then reality sunk in and I was
disappointed ... because this little girl is with another agency. I emailed my
friend again and stated that I wish we could adopt her. My friend replied that
I should ask my social worker about requesting the child's file from the other
agency because she knows cases of that being done in the past. Well, I thought,
you know what, ... what could it hurt? If I don't ask, how can I receive? I
sent my social worker an email explaining the situation. Then I sat on pins and
needles waiting for her to respond. During my wait, I spoke with God. I told
Him that I trust Him, that He can do anything, and that if He was opening this
door, no one would be able to shut it!
My social worker finally
responded and said that they could not be the placing agency and that typically
they do not do this, but that they would make an exception because of the child
being special needs, and that they would be willing to do our home study and
post placement reports. WHOA!!! Okay, what do I do now??? I called my friend
right away, and of course, she knew the answer. I called the agency in Oregon,
Heritage Adoption Services, and was miraculously and immediately connected with
the Director of International Adoptions and I explained the story to her. She
was wonderfully helpful and excited that someone was inquiring about the little
girl who, as it turns out, has been listed for just over a month. Hmm, ... just
like Molly. After a few necessary steps, (thank-you so much Ben and Diane!),
the Director emailed us the little girl's medical report and additional photos.
At this point, I was already in love with her and Brian was feeling God's
provision over this whole situation. We were stunned to find out that her
medical condition is diagnosed the same (meningoencephalocele) as Molly's, that
she is from the same province (Jiangsu) in China as Molly and that the two
home-towns (Wuxi and Changshu) are just 30 miles apart!!! Even in our hopes
that weren't necessarily voiced in prayer to God, He knew and He fulfilled!!! I
mean, what are the odds??? But with God, there are no odds! God's specialty is
making what seems totally impossible, POSSIBLE! Words cannot express our
humility and gratitude to our LORD!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Strangely, since receiving our Travel Approval from China, FEAR
has nagged at me, worries surround me and unknowns nip at my heels ... and I
have been searching God's Word for comfort, reassurance and strength, but today
a woman, whom I've never met, comforted me and gave me a reminder through a
verse that I mention earlier in these posts (simply by saying that it did the
same for her) ...
... There is no fear in love ... perfect love casts out fear ~1 John 4:18
That's the verse from God's Holy Word that propelled me forward into another adoption, the daunting paperwork, the ever-increasing fees, the waiting and wondering over the child that would be ours ... knowing that God was in control and God would remove my fears. How quickly I lose that focus!
2008 began with a long list of major events just waiting to happen and/or coincide with the timing of Brynn's adoption and I've been hoping and praying that our travel to China would precede and not interfere with the other events that were coming up ... both of these other events are huge!!! Our visitors from England will be coming SIX days after we return from China; they stay for 23 days!!! Brian will be traveling to Germany for work and be gone for at least SIX weeks! Rightfully so, I was concerned that our travel to China was going to end up falling right in between each of these major events and create havoc in my world as I would then have to struggle with postponing going to receive my beautiful child who is waiting for me ... the trend was showing that travel would occur 4 -5 months from Log-In Date and that would put us mid-March to April. I fretted too over Brian possibly only getting a couple weeks with his new daughter and then have to be gone from her for what would seem like an eternity to a little child.
But we've been praying, you've been praying, everyone's been praying ... for what we have hoped for all along, yet for GOD'S will to be done overall, because He ultimately knows what is BEST! And GOD is SO GOOD because timeframes sped up a bit and all notifications came in with enough time to get us to China and back before the next big event (the LORD certainly DOES know what I can and cannot handle!) and All the GLORY and HONOR and PRAISE is to be HIS!!! God has heard the prayers of many and He has answered ... it is HE who has done this awesome thing!!!
So, why am I afraid? "There is no fear in love ..." ... and it is all because of love that we are here, getting ready to get on a plane and travel across the planet embarking on one of the most profound journeys of a lifetime. " ... perfect love casts out fear!" His perfect love is my strength and my comfort, my shield from that which whispers "fears" into my thoughts.
Psalm 18:1-2
"I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold".
... There is no fear in love ... perfect love casts out fear ~1 John 4:18
That's the verse from God's Holy Word that propelled me forward into another adoption, the daunting paperwork, the ever-increasing fees, the waiting and wondering over the child that would be ours ... knowing that God was in control and God would remove my fears. How quickly I lose that focus!
2008 began with a long list of major events just waiting to happen and/or coincide with the timing of Brynn's adoption and I've been hoping and praying that our travel to China would precede and not interfere with the other events that were coming up ... both of these other events are huge!!! Our visitors from England will be coming SIX days after we return from China; they stay for 23 days!!! Brian will be traveling to Germany for work and be gone for at least SIX weeks! Rightfully so, I was concerned that our travel to China was going to end up falling right in between each of these major events and create havoc in my world as I would then have to struggle with postponing going to receive my beautiful child who is waiting for me ... the trend was showing that travel would occur 4 -5 months from Log-In Date and that would put us mid-March to April. I fretted too over Brian possibly only getting a couple weeks with his new daughter and then have to be gone from her for what would seem like an eternity to a little child.
But we've been praying, you've been praying, everyone's been praying ... for what we have hoped for all along, yet for GOD'S will to be done overall, because He ultimately knows what is BEST! And GOD is SO GOOD because timeframes sped up a bit and all notifications came in with enough time to get us to China and back before the next big event (the LORD certainly DOES know what I can and cannot handle!) and All the GLORY and HONOR and PRAISE is to be HIS!!! God has heard the prayers of many and He has answered ... it is HE who has done this awesome thing!!!
So, why am I afraid? "There is no fear in love ..." ... and it is all because of love that we are here, getting ready to get on a plane and travel across the planet embarking on one of the most profound journeys of a lifetime. " ... perfect love casts out fear!" His perfect love is my strength and my comfort, my shield from that which whispers "fears" into my thoughts.
Psalm 18:1-2
"I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold".
Monday,
September 8, 2008
Not two hours ago, I spoke to the
LORD ... "please don't allow us to be met by malice; please don't let us
fall for the deceit" ... and then I opened my Bible and You spoke to me.
The pages fell to Psalm 16, and I read ...
"Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from You I have no good thing.
As for the saints who are in the land, they are
the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase who run after
other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood or
take up their names on my lips.
LORD, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant
places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I wil praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at
night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me. Because He
is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor
will You let Your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
The pages fell to Psalm 16, and I read ...
"Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from You I have no good thing.
As for the saints who are in the land, they are
the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase who run after
other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood or
take up their names on my lips.
LORD, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant
places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I wil praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at
night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me. Because He
is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor
will You let Your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
You know, I just love my God … do
you wanna know why? How many times have any of us wished that just once our
spouse, our child, our friend, our co-worker could just read our mind, could
just know what we wanted without us having to come right out and say it? What
about the element of surprise?? How about when you’re hoping for that special
gift but you don’t really want to have to tell him/her what it is because then
it feels like you’re picking out your own gift. You really just want to be
surprised and say, “you knew!”
My God is like that! He knows! He knows what I want. He knows what I need. And He knows what I hope for! And the best part is that I don’t always have to come right out and say it; I don’t have to set aside special prayer time to outline the details of my wants. I don’t have to spell it all out for Him. I don’t even have to make a verbal request. Anyone confused? It’s like this …
Before we traveled to China to adopt Molly, I had been online enough to know that it might be a really good idea to have a laptop in China to be able to update our journal with commentary and photos of our experience so everyone back home could be a part of it. At the time, we didn’t own a laptop and we weren’t really in the market to purchase one either. We verbally planned to use the business centers that were said to be available in the hotels we’d be staying in. However, I merely thought to myself [one moment] that it would be really nice if we had a laptop and the [next moment] a woman from our church was offering to lend us her laptop to take to China with us! It was an “answer to prayer” that I hadn’t actually prayed for! It turned out to be an amazing blessing for us and for everyone back home too!
Also, just before we traveled and we were getting the last-minute details in order, I wondered if we would have enough money to purchase special momentos and gifts to bring back from China. It was more a fear of the unknown and of coming up short; these were just thoughts I internalized and a day before we traveled, my parents asked me to stop by their home so they could see me before going to get their granddaughter. Well, they gave me an envelope with a wonderful gift of money and a note that said, “buy yourself something nice in China!” WOW!
Right around that same time, I had been thinking that it would be really nice to get more physically active. I don’t particularly like exercise, but realize the importance of it. However, I find it very difficult to motivate myself. A friend of mine from church was going to start attending a Jazzercise class and approached me to inquire if I’d be interested in going with her. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? Again, I hadn’t actually PRAYED for this.
My God is like that! He knows! He knows what I want. He knows what I need. And He knows what I hope for! And the best part is that I don’t always have to come right out and say it; I don’t have to set aside special prayer time to outline the details of my wants. I don’t have to spell it all out for Him. I don’t even have to make a verbal request. Anyone confused? It’s like this …
Before we traveled to China to adopt Molly, I had been online enough to know that it might be a really good idea to have a laptop in China to be able to update our journal with commentary and photos of our experience so everyone back home could be a part of it. At the time, we didn’t own a laptop and we weren’t really in the market to purchase one either. We verbally planned to use the business centers that were said to be available in the hotels we’d be staying in. However, I merely thought to myself [one moment] that it would be really nice if we had a laptop and the [next moment] a woman from our church was offering to lend us her laptop to take to China with us! It was an “answer to prayer” that I hadn’t actually prayed for! It turned out to be an amazing blessing for us and for everyone back home too!
Also, just before we traveled and we were getting the last-minute details in order, I wondered if we would have enough money to purchase special momentos and gifts to bring back from China. It was more a fear of the unknown and of coming up short; these were just thoughts I internalized and a day before we traveled, my parents asked me to stop by their home so they could see me before going to get their granddaughter. Well, they gave me an envelope with a wonderful gift of money and a note that said, “buy yourself something nice in China!” WOW!
Right around that same time, I had been thinking that it would be really nice to get more physically active. I don’t particularly like exercise, but realize the importance of it. However, I find it very difficult to motivate myself. A friend of mine from church was going to start attending a Jazzercise class and approached me to inquire if I’d be interested in going with her. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? Again, I hadn’t actually PRAYED for this.
When we decided to adopt Molly, we anticipated that there would be issues of grieving and attachment because of her being an older child. Because of this, we felt it was going to be necessary for me to quit my job so that I could be home with her to deal with the transition, promote a healthy attachment to her new mama and to get her up to speed with English and basic fundamentals necessary to start kindergarten in less than a year. Well, Molly’s transition was so smooth and uneventful that it seemed a rather rash decision was made regarding my job. Thankfully, I was still actively employed (for book purposes) though I had no assigned hours. I began to wonder if I should look for open positions within the organization that I could work on a flexible and/or part-time basis. Shortly after that, my boss approached me and wondered if I’d be interested in a part-time position, still within my same department and working the hours that I felt were best for my situation. CAN THIS BE REAL?
When we were beginning the preliminary steps to another adoption process, we kept Molly in mind. After all, we wanted her to have a sister, an adopted Chinese sister who she could relate to. But in my mind, I thought it would be amazing (probably completely unrealistic and next to impossible) if Molly’s little sister came from the same province in China. I had also gone over thoughts in my mind in regards to if our second daughter’s province was near enough to Molly’s, there might be a chance that we could meet the foster family who cared for and loved Molly for nearly three years. We knew, too, that we would adopt a child with “special needs”; she would have some medical concerns but we didn’t know what those would be. Knowing all that Molly had and would be going through because of her “special need”, I tried to imagine a child who had a similar issue (but REALLY what are the odds?). How can I REALLY forget that it is GOD who is in control and there are no odds with God and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE for Him?!? Without going through a listing of multiple children, what seemed to be purely coincidentally, we were connected to our daughter, Brynn, born in the same province and with the same medical condition as her big sister, Molly! And, YES, we were able to meet and spend very precious time with the family and extended family and even the village community who cared for and loved our little Mollybug!
I say all of this because I need to keep reminding myself of this. God is listening to my heart … and He’s answering me, guiding me, keeping close watch over me. My God IS so good to me. There is one blessing after another and I am ashamed to say that sometimes, I begin to take those blessings for granted. Lately, it has been like that. And when it is like that, I find it difficult to PRAY … but He still hears me; He still listens to me and He still whispers to my heart.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tea time is a wonderful time ... because, well ... I LOVE tea! Yesterday, I spent tea time with Brynn. I think she (and Molly too) love tea time as much as I do. Brynn was especially cute during this tea time; we had Ceylon Orange Pekoe tea with just a splash of milk and a teaspoon of brown sugar! YUMMY! Brynn really liked this concoction and she downed three cups of it! She kept saying "Mmm, good tea, Mama!" Then she said, in that effecting tone as if it was the result of being given such wonderful tea, "I love you, Mama." I, of course, said, "I love you, too." She in turn replied the same as an echo, so I said, "How much?" She, matter-of-factly, replied, "twice around the world," only, her "twice" was in the (kind that sometimes only a mama can decipher)language of a 3-year-old. It is not a new thing that we say this, ... but it was especially sweet this time likely because of the great delight she was taking in the tea! There is a special "I LOVE YOU" saying for each of my children, and even my husband ... here's what we say:
Brian/Husband - I love you ... TO INFINITY (our first date we took our kids to the movie Toy Story 2, you know with Buzz Lightyear's "to infinity and beyond ...:)
Ben - I love you ... TOO MUCH
Jacob - I love you ... MORE THAN EVERYTHING
Molly - I love you ... ALL THE WAY TO CHINA AND BACK (literally)
Brynn - I love you ... TWICE AROUND THE WORLD (with our finger drawing two circles in the air because it took two trips to China to bring her home to us)
Brian/Husband - I love you ... TO INFINITY (our first date we took our kids to the movie Toy Story 2, you know with Buzz Lightyear's "to infinity and beyond ...:)
Ben - I love you ... TOO MUCH
Jacob - I love you ... MORE THAN EVERYTHING
Molly - I love you ... ALL THE WAY TO CHINA AND BACK (literally)
Brynn - I love you ... TWICE AROUND THE WORLD (with our finger drawing two circles in the air because it took two trips to China to bring her home to us)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Me
and my treadmill ... (to God be the Glory!) (written
Feb, 2010)
I
don't know why now ... I mean, I surely do not understand what is different
about the last few weeks ... well, wait, I DO KNOW WHAT ... OK ... let me
explain. I do not like exercise! I mean, I really DO NOT LIKE
exercise. I could actually use the 4-letter
"H" word that refers to having an aversion
to and/or an intense dislike ... REALLY. My
husband, on the other hand, LOVES exercise and would be perfectly happy to
exercise often and heartily. YUCK!
A little more than fourteen years ago, I began to have terrible back pain, a burning like I've never felt before and throbbing, aching muscles around my knees. I underwent many medical tests and after testing negative for each, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, ... hmmm ... The pain got so bad that I could hardly do more than just walk. It was (in my opinion) absolutely ridiculous; I was only 24 years old but I felt like I was much, much older. I was given multiple prescription drugs, which after the first couple of days I refused to take because they made me sick, and I was told this would never go away and I would have to learn to live with it.
I
have tried exercise now and then over the years and I have had some successes,
but in most cases, my body would suffer greater pain and discomfort from most
types of increased physical activity. Therefore, I disliked exercise even
more and did it less and less which caused me to be even less physically fit
and my body to become weaker ... are you starting to get the point? It
was kind of like a hamster running in his wheel and not ever going
anywhere. Over the years, my husband and I have prayed about it, talked
about it, challenged it and accepted it and though I've pushed myself past what
I believed was my limit on numerous occasions, more often I have stopped
myself due to the thoughts constantly parading in my mind "I can't do
this" and "I don't want to hurt". A vicious cycle is what
it has been.
Over
the last year or so, I have been doing some soul-searching, I have been seeking
God more deeply, I have tried to analyze certain aspects of my life and trying
to improve upon those areas where I fall very short. While I've been
"searching" and cleansing my mind and my thoughts, I have found that
there is a link to the way that I treat my body. Now, I would not say
that I have abused my body or mistreated my body in terrible ways and I don't
think anyone else would either but stick with me here and I'll explain.
I
LOVE sweets and treats!
Truly, ... I would pick a handful of cookies over a piece of fruit any
day. One could almost say I am addicted. I'm not really sure if it
goes hand in hand with someone who has an addition to say, ... tobacco or
alcohol or something like that ..., but I DO NOT LIKE to go without a sweet.
So, in the recent months, during my "searching" and
"cleansing" of the mind, I discovered and had to confess to myself
that I might just regard my sweets
(and my tea - sniff, sniff) higher than I regard my LORD and Savior. Is
THAT possible? Dear friends, ... it really is! If one could find
him or her "self" saying, "I'm not giving that up for
ANYONE!", ... THAT is an addiction and an "enslavement" to that
"thing".
Tea
and sweets are something that I thoroughly
enjoy, something that I count on for enjoyment and comfort ... it's wonderful
to sit quietly sipping a lovely cup of hot tea and nibbling on some tasty bit
of sweetness ... but I discovered
that I was allowing THAT ACTIVITY to become my GOD, ... where I sought refuge,
comfort, peace and renewed strength. In addition, my indulgences in said
"comfort and peace" has caused me to pack on extra pounds that I do
not wish to have ... another vicious cycle.
As
2009 came to a close, I was really at a point where I just knew I wanted to
change. I spoke with the LORD, telling Him I don't want to be a slave to
food and be enslaved to an immobile body ... (You are my GOD and You are all I
NEED) so I planned to fast. Honestly, I've never really done
this before. I've thought about it many times, I've heard about it and
I've read a little bit about it. At first, I was going to fast from all
unnatural foods but then quickly realized that my intent was really to prove to
myself and to the LORD that He is my first "comfort and peace";
nothing comes before Him, everything in my life comes after Him. Tea and sweets
are what I needed to fast so for the first few weeks of January that is what I
did. It was SO DIFFICULT and I had to seek God constantly for strength
and perseverance. When it became difficult and I thought I would give in to
temptation, I prayed, asking God for strength. I searched the Bible for
more direction and more insight and before long, I realized that God hadn't
actually asked me to "fast"; He just wanted my focus to return to Him
~ He knows always, but sometimes I forget that when I remain focused on God,
there is a peace in all things and my perspective is clearer.
The funny thing is, I was sure that during those weeks that I
was fasting from honey-sweetened
teas and numerous candy snacks and sugary treats,
that extra pounds would just melt away effortlessly ... and do you know that I
did NOT lose one single pound during that time??? Oh, the frustration at
that realization. But let me tell you something ... dear ones, you've been
patient and I am finally getting to the point ...
On the day that I decided that I would no longer fast from tea and sweets (and to celebrate its end, my dear, sweet husband was taking me to Panera for a Chai Tea Latte and sweet treat in the evening) I had a strange urge to run on my treadmill. I do not really know why I would "WANT" to do something like this but I thought, "I'll give it a shot and at the least I'll try to counter some of the calories I will consume later at Panera". Do you know what happened?
After one minute, I just wanted to get off! So, I prayed ... perhaps it was the LORD, Himself, prompting me to talk to Him ... to focus not on the discomfort but rather to draw strength from Him. I began to say the LORD's Prayer. I found that after saying "Amen", nearly a minute had gone by and so I'd say it again, thinking about each of the words as I prayed them, ... Amen and Amen. I was so overwhelmed that first day that I was in tears as my time on the treadmill came to an end. I was on my treadmill for thirty minutes doing a mix of fast-walking and jogging!!! I set myself a goal ... thirty minutes or 300 calories, whichever takes longer. And I did it!!!
So,
the next day, I did it again! And the day after that, I did it
again! Each time, I would pray and talk to God, saying the LORD's Prayer
and adding another AMEN each time; then I began praying Scripture that I know
to help the minutes go by and to pray to the LORD for strength and
endurance. As the minutes would go by, while in prayer, I would watch the
numbers change on the information panel of the treadmill. The panel
displays distance, time elapsed and calories burned. Being the
"numbers person" that I am, I would look at the numbers and talk to
God about the numbers, ... one more minute, LORD, ... help me to reach the next
whole number, ... I'm almost to the next mile, help me to keep going, ... I
trust You, LORD, You are my strength ... and so I would push myself as the LORD
allowed and each day I have met my goal and on more days I have exceeded my
goal. One day last week, I was so "into it" that God spurred me
to fifty minutes on my treadmill!!! Yesterday, I went for my
"record" time/distance/calories of 60 minutes, 11 seconds!!!
To
some, this might be strange ... to others, the fact that I'm making such a big
deal might be cause for concern and to those who are physically fit on a
regular basis, this whole post might be absurd ~ perhaps the only person who
might truly understand what an amazing, awe-inspiring, miraculous fact this truly
is would be my husband (and even then, he can't fully know) ~ BUT, GOD is
allowing me something that I have not been able to attain until now. Each
day when I go on the treadmill, I think about God, I pray to Him, I think about
how awesome it is that He is allowing me to do this and I'm not struggling with
pain, discomfort, breathing issues, muscles spasms, leg cramps, etc ... all
things that have inhibited me before. My attitude has changed; my outlook
is more positive ~ I feel REALLY GOOD! And guess what else? While I
haven't given up tea and sweets, I am not craving it to pacify me or to provide
me comfort and so I've had less of it (beloved Dennis and Maureen, this does
not mean you should discontinue parcels of vital supplies). Amazingly,
and to the glory of God, I am seeing physical results to my "prayer time
on the treadmill", even though it's only been a few weeks.
There
are some days that I think about skipping out but I don't want to take for
granted what the LORD is granting me ... I want to take full advantage of it
now and as long as it lasts; I don't want it to be taken away. And
usually after I've been at it for a few minutes, the negative thoughts are gone
and I know it's good to be where I am. The LORD is with me each day, as I
talk with Him and pray, as I draw strength from Him ... my mind races with
thoughts about my glorious God and the time passes by quickly and that in
itself is a huge blessing!
It is only because of GOD that this is happening; it is only by His strength that I am achieving this success. I thank Him each day; I praise Him because He loves me even in the tiny details ~ in ways that some might be blind to or find completely insignificant ~ the LORD is with me. I cannot say it enough ... I have been given this gift by God; I could not do this before! I could not do this before! How great is my God? Truly indescribable!!!
It is only because of GOD that this is happening; it is only by His strength that I am achieving this success. I thank Him each day; I praise Him because He loves me even in the tiny details ~ in ways that some might be blind to or find completely insignificant ~ the LORD is with me. I cannot say it enough ... I have been given this gift by God; I could not do this before! I could not do this before! How great is my God? Truly indescribable!!!
Nothing is impossible
with God ~ Luke 1:37
I can do all things
through Christ who gives me strength ~ Philippians 4:13
I love you, O LORD, my
strength ~ Psalm 18:1
Look to the LORD and
his strength; seek his face always ~ 1 Chronicles 16:11
It is God who arms me
with strength and makes my way perfect ~ Psalm 18:32
Just some thoughts ... and my own little "pep-talk" ...
I sometimes wish I was one of those moms who could have ten really well-adjusted kids, work full-time and volunteer for all the social and school events while still having the time and energy to make gourmet meals every day for my family in between hand-sewing all of our clothes just before cutting coupons for all the really good sales on all the necessary items for life ... I'd really like to be that sort of "mom" ... but I must confess ... here goes ... I am N-O-T, NOT! Does that sort of "mom" really exist? I don't know ... sometimes, I think I see a woman who I'm sure must fit the profile, but I guess I don't know for sure. It seems to me a truly tall order.
But really ... what I really wish, or hope, rather, ... is that when I leave this world, I will have knowingly made a positive difference and contributed to all that is good in this world.
There are so many orphans in the world, an estimate of approximately 150 - 200 million orphans and this is really just a guess. There are children all over this world who are without parents, without a family, and it makes me so sad and it seems like the remedy is so simple.
In the last couple of weeks, we have decided to adopt again and then not to ... and in the last 48 hours to move forward with adoption and then again not to. I have been an emotional wreck! Out of the blue, a complete stranger with only the commonality of "adoption of a special needs child" sent me an email regarding a little orphan girl from China who was born with a nasal defect. She said that she was a member of the same yahoogroup I am a part of and that she almost never visited the group but that she took a peek and was looking at photo albums of families and came across mine. She saw photos of my daughters and knew immediately she should contact me because of the similarity between my girls and this little orphan child. Of course, my curiosity was peaked and she sent me the information available on the child. Imagine my shock and surprise when I read the initial information on her and discovered that she is from the same province as my daughters, that her orphanage is within a 50-mile radius of my daughters' orphanages!! Could this just be a coincidence?
In all my wildest dreams I could not imagine that this could happen yet again! When we found Brynn in this very similar manner and discovered the extreme similarities between her and Molly, it was too good to be true and such a wonderful blessing and testiment of God's provision. I felt that this was, perhaps, how we would begin the pursuit of another adoption. My dear, sweet husband was in agreement ~ this is exactly the way we would have wanted it!
I contacted the necessary adoption specialists and began accumulating information that would be needed. I was told that I would have to complete a dossier to submit to China within three months. NO WAY! I knew that even with the best of intentions that timeframe was almost unreasonable and agreeing to that would put a great deal of pressure on me. I confided in the woman who originally sent me the information of the little girl that I did not think I could nor should put that kind of stress on myself. Within a few hours, that same woman sent me another email letting me know of the [JUST RELEASED NEWS] of up and coming changes to the adoption processes in China that would basically allow us six months to complete our dossier and that the changes would take place on the 1st of September. WOW! Another coincidence? My dear, sweet husband and I decided that we would wait until the 1st and if the little girl was still available, we would commit to pursuing her adoption. We felt that if this was God's will, the doors would remain opened and if this wasn't God's will, He would shut the doors. Within only a couple of days, though, I began to feel uncertain and I pondered whether or not this would be the right time to pursue the adoption of another child. I started to feel really uneasy and even panicky. We talked about it and I shared my concerns and we even temporarily decided against proceeding with the process.
Yesterday, as you know, was the 1st of September and this precious little girl was still available (the doors were still open) and her file was "locked" ... at one point, yesterday, a friend whom I had confided in about the adoption asked if we had a name chosen. I told her there was a name that I was thinking of and I told her what it was. She then proceeded to tell me the name that this same little girl was listed with on a site that advocates for orphans -- it was the SAME NAME!!! THAT IS TOTALLY CRAZY!!! Affirmation from God? ... and so, last night, I sent in all the initial documents necessary to begin the adoption process.
And then I woke up this morning. in a cold sweat. feeling sick to my stomach. a weight on my chest. pain in my head. and anxiety within me like I've never felt!!! Immediately, I cried out to God and begged him to forgive me ... "I can't do this!" "I just can't do this!"
I don't know why. I don't understand. I don't know what it means. I don't have any answers.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough ... but sometimes, I am so overwhelmed with my life and all that I am responsible for (can I really be responsible for one more life?) ... I'm just one person and sometimes I feel so insignificant and that I just can't do enough to make a difference ... but then I remember ...
... I look at their sweet faces, scars and all, the sparkle in their eyes, showing unending trust and wonder ...
and I have made a difference ... to two orphans ... to two little children who otherwise would not know the love and security of a family, who would not receive medical care and nutrition and the basic amenities of life ... they may have been pitiful outcasts, mistreated and misunderstood, ... all because of the circumstances of their birth ...
... I've made a difference to them.
Sometimes I forget ... we can forget the momentous and arduous process, take it for granted ... I know for me, I can honestly say that I took for granted being able to get pregnant, having my sons ... it just was; there was no effort or struggle or painstakingly long wait ... now that I have my girls, there are times that I even catch myself taking for granted the immense gift I have been given in receiving them. And even moreso, very rarely do I even dare to think it ... but, perhaps, we were a gift to them as well.
... and then I waiver and stumble and think to myself, could I make a difference to just one more ...
... painfully truthful is the fact that there are some children who will remain orphans forever, they will never know what it is to belong to a family ... I do know that I cannot take them all.
I really hope and pray that I am not acting against the will of God -- I hope that I am not ignoring my LORD; may He open my eyes, pressure-wash my fears and my doubts and replace my insecurity with a renewed confidence.
It has been a whirlwind of emotion, to say the least, these last few weeks. Really, I just try to continue to seek my God and to follow where He leads and to trust that all will be revealed in His timing.
Monday, November 22, 2010
In the last few weeks, Molly was given a writing assignment by her
teacher that involved writing about TREASURE without actually using the word
TREASURE. After discussing what treasure was and the different types of
things that could be considered "treasure", Molly knew that she was
supposed to write about something that is special to her. This is what
she wrote (with just a little help with spelling, grammar, etc...):
When I was born in China, I became an orphan. At four days old, I went to live in an orphanage. An orphanage is a place where children who have no parents live. I lived there for two years; then I went to live with a foster family. A foster family is a family who takes care of you in place of your real family. In my foster family, I had three brothers, two mothers, two fathers, one aunt, once uncle, a set of grandparents, even a great-grandmother!
I remember playing outside a lot with my brothers and the oldest brother taking me to a playground with a big slide and a swing. Something special that I was able to do was that at dinnertime each day, I went from one house to the next in the village I lived in, asking “what’s for dinner?” and the place that sounded the best is the house I would stay at for dinner.
Then one day when I was almost five years old, my grandmother took me back to the orphanage and I didn’t know why. A lady took me away from my grandma and I got so afraid so I started to cry a lot. After five days, two ladies came for me and took me in the car and drove for a long time. I had no idea where I was going. When we got to where we were going, we went into a building where there were some big people who didn’t look like me at all. The two ladies pushed me towards them and were telling me they were my mama and baba. I did not understand and I shook my head and did not want to move. The ladies pushed me towards them more and forced me to sit between the man and woman they called my mama and baba. I was scared. The mama gave me some fruit snacks and a little toy and that made me feel a little better. Then we went to a big hotel where I would live with my new mama and baba for a few days. My mama gave me some M&M’s and then I sat on her lap while we ate some spicy noodles. They were delicious! These new parents brought me crayons and toys and clothes and snacks and pictures of my new brothers and sister! They were fun and I was starting to really like them.
My favorite things were when my mama would give me piggy-back rides and my baba would push me on the swing while I would sing songs. They also would rock me in a chair and read me stories and sing to me.
So even though I started out without a family, God blessed me by giving me a foster family in China, where I came from and a forever family in America, where I am now. Instead of one family, I have two families!
When I was born in China, I became an orphan. At four days old, I went to live in an orphanage. An orphanage is a place where children who have no parents live. I lived there for two years; then I went to live with a foster family. A foster family is a family who takes care of you in place of your real family. In my foster family, I had three brothers, two mothers, two fathers, one aunt, once uncle, a set of grandparents, even a great-grandmother!
I remember playing outside a lot with my brothers and the oldest brother taking me to a playground with a big slide and a swing. Something special that I was able to do was that at dinnertime each day, I went from one house to the next in the village I lived in, asking “what’s for dinner?” and the place that sounded the best is the house I would stay at for dinner.
Then one day when I was almost five years old, my grandmother took me back to the orphanage and I didn’t know why. A lady took me away from my grandma and I got so afraid so I started to cry a lot. After five days, two ladies came for me and took me in the car and drove for a long time. I had no idea where I was going. When we got to where we were going, we went into a building where there were some big people who didn’t look like me at all. The two ladies pushed me towards them and were telling me they were my mama and baba. I did not understand and I shook my head and did not want to move. The ladies pushed me towards them more and forced me to sit between the man and woman they called my mama and baba. I was scared. The mama gave me some fruit snacks and a little toy and that made me feel a little better. Then we went to a big hotel where I would live with my new mama and baba for a few days. My mama gave me some M&M’s and then I sat on her lap while we ate some spicy noodles. They were delicious! These new parents brought me crayons and toys and clothes and snacks and pictures of my new brothers and sister! They were fun and I was starting to really like them.
My favorite things were when my mama would give me piggy-back rides and my baba would push me on the swing while I would sing songs. They also would rock me in a chair and read me stories and sing to me.
So even though I started out without a family, God blessed me by giving me a foster family in China, where I came from and a forever family in America, where I am now. Instead of one family, I have two families!
Thursday,
February 3, 2011
To the mother
of my daughter …
...
you must be thinking about her today.
It's
been five years today since you gave birth to her. And in just a few
days, it will be five years since you had to say "goodbye" to
her. I cannot even imagine ... what it must have felt like.
I
think you must wonder about her ... where she is, what she looks like, if
someone was able to medically care for her ...
...
To the Mother of My Daughter ...
...
my prayer for you is this ...
...
that you "see" her beautiful face in your dreams ...
...
that you "know" she is safe ...
...
that you "believe" you made the right choice ...
...
that you "hear" her laughing in the wind ...
...
that you "feel" that she is loved ...
...
that you are at peace.
I
pray that God would grant you this ... because I am grateful for you.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tonight,
I felt the urge to do devotions with Molly just before bed ... even though it
was past her bedtime (quite a bit past). We went to the spot in her
devotional where she last left off. It was the beginning of a new section
titled "God's Ways".
We read the section together and it repeated a theme of the difficulty in understanding the ways of God. We all can attest to that, can we not??? In the personal questions portion, it asked (Molly) to write down something about God's ways that confuses her. She wasn't sure what to write at first but then I helped her to remember ... "but how does God talk to me, Mama? I don't understand how God talks to me when I can't even hear him!"
As she wrote it down, I was paging through one of my Bibles and all of a sudden I came across a verse and I asked her to read it aloud:
We read the section together and it repeated a theme of the difficulty in understanding the ways of God. We all can attest to that, can we not??? In the personal questions portion, it asked (Molly) to write down something about God's ways that confuses her. She wasn't sure what to write at first but then I helped her to remember ... "but how does God talk to me, Mama? I don't understand how God talks to me when I can't even hear him!"
As she wrote it down, I was paging through one of my Bibles and all of a sudden I came across a verse and I asked her to read it aloud:
[Now this is what the LORD says, ... "Don't be afraid, because I
have saved you. I have called you by name, and you are
mine."] (Isaiah 43:1 NCV)
She looked at me ... and I said,
"that's how God talks to you."
"What?", she
asked.
"Read it again," I
said. She did. "Who's talking?", I asked.
"God?", she
asked.
And then she looked at me ... and
her face lit up ... and she smiled really BIG and I felt all tingly inside for
I knew what she felt. I witnessed her discovery! She felt the power
in the words and she knew that God was speaking ... TO HER!
She realized the words were
similar to a poster on her bedside wall I made her a few months ago and she
touched it and pondered the ways in which God speaks ... She said, "I
never knew that before!" Dots were connected and suddenly it made
better sense and she went to sleep tonight with a great peace that wasn't there
before.
Thank-You, God! Your timing
is perfect and it’s always worth the wait!
The Lord says, "My thoughts are not like your thoughts.
Your ways are not like my ways.
Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways
higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
Rain and snow fall from the sky and don't return without
watering the ground.
They cause the plants to sprout and grow, making seeds for the
farmer and bread for the people.
The same thing is true of the words I speak. They will not
return to me empty.
They make the things happen that I want to happen, and they
succeed in doing what I send them to do. (Isaiah 55:8-11)
For
my son, Benjamin …
Entrusted to me, to care for, to love
A good and perfect gift from above
A relationship created one to another
By God's favor, I became "mother".
A void had been filled, a place I had yearning
And joy in the newness coupled with learning,
Gave way to a journey destined by grace
Forever imprinted ... never to erase.
You captured us all for you were the first
Every moment brand new, nothing rehearsed.
Eager to learn right from the start
So full of wonder and gentle at heart.
Careful and caring, always sincere
Early on even in your youngest of years
Risk-taking was slim and troubling moments were few
From a mother's heart I truly thank you.
I couldn't stop time or prevent what must be
Each day is a year that becomes history.
I blinked and you weren't my baby anymore
I turned 'round and you had passed through the door.
Out into the world with its grandeur to see
Where choices are endless and opinion is free.
In my mind as far as I can reach
To all the things I've tried to teach,
Far in my memory, in all my thoughts
I can't recall anything I've taught
That could carry you through your life more than this
You are not your own ... for you are His.
Mistakes you will make and at times you will fail
But with God as your guide you'll always prevail.
Your journey is marked and paved is the way;
Directions are available whenever you pray.
In all that you plan and all that you do
Keep the LORD first and He will bless you.
As I am blessed, by your life I've been touched;
Remember who you are ... I love you ... too much.
c. Kimberly Prendergast, June 16, 2011
July 2, 2011
The WORD Beneath Our
Feet
In the summer of 2011, we put
an addition on the back of our house so that we could have a true dining
room. When we were finally to the point where the
floor in our new dining room and our kitchen could be set, Brian declared that
we should write Bible verses that are important to us on the subfloor so
the powerful Words of our God would be forever imprinted beneath
our feet! What a great idea!!!
So we got out our Sharpies ....
... and away we went ...
"Give
thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever." ~Psalm
118:1
There was plenty of writing space!!!
But those who
hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like
eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will run and not be
faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31
So do not
fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I
will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right
hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10
Brynn wrote this all by herself ... yes, Brynn, Jesus
loves you!
Here's Baba writing some more verses!
Molly really enjoyed this activity ~ she was writing
all over the place!
Brynn wrote the reference for JOHN 3:16 ~
Brian felt it was important to put verses at all the
key places we normally stand ...
... and we even traced our feet ...
... careful not to write on our feet ...
This one is in front of the island ...
If you do not
stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all. ~ Isaiah 7:9b
... in front of one of the cabinets ...
Do not let
your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me (Jesus). John
14:1
LORD God,
teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I believe in your commands.
Psalm 119:66
... in front of the kitchen sink ...
Give thanks
to the LORD, call on His name; make known among the nations what He has
done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him, tell of all His wonderful
acts. Glory in His holy name, let the hearts of those who seek the LORD
rejoice. Look to the LORD and His strength, seek His face always. ~ 1 Chronicles 16:8-11
... near the door ...
Humble
yourselves under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be self-controlled
and alert. Our enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion
looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the
faith. ~ 1 Peter 5:6-9a
Even Ben got in the
fun ...
For by grace
you have been saved through faith, this not of yourselves, it is the gift of
God, not by works, lest anyone should boast. ~ Ephesians 2:8-9
He also finished Brynn's verse ...
For God so
loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him
shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16
And how can
they preach unless they are sent, as it is written "How beautiful are the
feet of those who bring the good news." ~ Romans 10:15
Tonight,
... well, at this very late hour it really was last night ... okay, so a few
hours ago, … anyway, dear, sweet husband and I, along with our girls, took his
parents out "to the theater" (oh, that sounds so sophisticated,
doesn't it?) to see the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol. This
was our Christmas present to them! After going out for a bite to eat, we
went here ... the historic Pabst Theater, part of Milwaukee's Repertory
Theater.
The
theater is gorgeous inside!
These photos
were taken by Michael Brosilow (I have no idea who that is ~
I took
these off the internet as we were not allowed to take photographs during the
performance)
The play was
absolutely wonderful! The actors and actresses did such a marvelous job;
we were very delighted and impressed!
Ebenezer
Scrooge being confronted by the ghost of Jacob Marley ...
There
were wonderful moments of song, mostly traditional Christmas carols ...
The end
of the story, of course as usual, brought tears to my eyes! It is such a
wonderful story ... one of repentance, renewal and restoration! God bless
us Everyone!
After the
play, dear, sweet husband took Brynn and went to get the car while the rest of
us stayed in the building, out of the cold. He wasn't gone long and
before we knew it, he was there and we were all piling into the car and we
waved "goodbye" to the theater as we drove away. We took my
in-laws to their car and again bid our "goodbyes". It was quite
late by now and the girls were tired as were we but we were also thirsty,
especially me. After driving towards home about twenty minutes, my dear,
sweet husband exited the freeway so we could stop at a gas station to get a
beverage to quench my thirst.
... uh oh
...
My dear,
sweet husband could not find his wallet. He checked his pockets, checked
them again, ... all of them .... not there! He checked the floor of the
vehicle, ... the compartments, ... the holders, ... his pockets again ... and
again ...
... oh
great ...
... this
is not very funny ...
...
remain calm ...
... try not to panic ...
... and
whatever you do, DON'T make him feel
bad!
We went
over the steps he took since he last remembered having his wallet. He had
given me the ticket stubs just as we were about to leave the theater; they had
been in his wallet ... he had taken his wallet out of his pants pocket, removed
the tickets and then put the wallet in his coat pocket.
... UGH!!
...
... maybe
it fell out in the theater ...
... maybe
it fell out when dear, sweet husband went to get our car ...
... maybe
it fell out when we left the in-laws at their car ...
I said,
"Do you want to go back and at least have a look?" He said,
"Yes, we should probably at least try."
You, the
reader, have no idea ... we left the Pabst Theater, in downtown Milwaukee, at
10:18pm ... the same time that other events were letting out. There were
people everywhere! There were police directing traffic outside The
Bradley Center, only a couple blocks from The Pabst.
PEOPLE
WERE WALKING EVERYWHERE!!!
I did not
believe that we would find dear, sweet husband's wallet. I did not believe
that "going back" was a good idea or a good use of the already late
time (the girls were already asleep by this time). I did not believe with
all those people walking around that the wallet would likely be
overlooked. I did not believe that whoever found it would be honest
enough to return it.
... YET
...
... I
PRAYED ...
I prayed
that the wallet would "just be there", intact and untouched, but
I told God that I didn't believe we would find it. I wanted to whine
and complain to God about how crummy it was that dear, sweet husband's wallet
would be "lost" so close to Christmas and what an inconvenience it
would be to have to call the bank to cancel our credit card and go to the DMV
for a new driver’s license and deal with all the other "missing"
things from the wallet. But really, I just prayed that I would remain
calm and it would be really AMAZING if it would "just be there".
We drove
all the way back ... downtown ... first to the spot where we left the in-laws
... NO WALLET. Then we drove to the parking garage where dear, sweet
husband went to get the car after the play ... NO WALLET.
Then he
said to me, "Do I even bother to drive down past the theater?"
My
response was, "With all the people out and about tonight, there is no way
it's just going to be there!"
"I
know," he said.
He took
the turn anyway and drove down the street towards the theater and as we were
just about to drive right by, THERE IT WAS! ... just lying in the street
... six feet from the curb where he parked the car to allow us all to get in
... right where it fell out of his pocket when he got out to place his
mother's walker in the back of the vehicle ... THERE IT WAS ... intact
and untouched!
I was
completely doubtful and unbelieving ...and that's when God appeared and
whispered in my ear, "You know Me better than that!"
I
confess: there have been things ... things that have caused me to believe less
and doubt more ... and He knows it! He knows it all ... and even when
there's no one else listening to me, God still is ... and He cares about what I
have to say. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me and, yet, He
does ... in small and simple ways that remind me that He is BIG and POWERFUL
and He is always with me.
I
am completely awed by Your continuous grace and mercy, O LORD, ... I am
undeserving, yet, You are always making me feel special. Thank-You, God!
January 22, 2012
The following is an entry from
GodSpeaks Devotional by Honor Books
It's
getting dark - time to come home. ~GOD
"Keep
watch, because you do not know on what day the Lord will come."
~Matthew
24:42
An old
legend recounts how Satan once called three of his top aides to a special
meeting so that they might make a plan about how to stop the effectiveness of a
particular group of people. One of the aides, Resentment, proposed, "We
should convince them there is no God." Satan sneered at Resentment and
replied, "That would never work. They know there is a God."
Bitterness
then spoke up: "We'll convince them that God does not really care about
right or wrong.." Satan thought about the idea for a few moments but then
rejected it. "Too many know that God does care," he finally said.
Malice
then proposed his idea. "We'll let them go on thinking there is a God and
that He cares about right and wrong. But we will keep whispering that there is
no hurry, there is no hurry, there is no hurry."
Satan
howled with delight! The plan was adopted and Malice was promoted to an even
higher position in Satan's malevolent hierarchy.
If you
have never given your heart to God, NOW is the time to reach out to Him. Don't
be deceived. Today is the day of decision. Tomorrow may be too late.
A fellow adoptive mama, a woman I absolutely adore and really
hope to meet one day, blogged a post with the following statement/question: "I'm going to heaven. Are you going with me?" I really
enjoyed reading the post and it got me to thinking ...
... last year, another fellow adoptive mommy and friend of mine,
was struck by a car while bicycling; she was killed instantly. That morning
when she woke up, I'm sure she didn't know that later that day she would die.
But she knew that when the time did come for her to leave this earth, she
knew where she was going. I know where she is now; I know she's in
heaven and that when I die, I'll see her again. Last week, when tragedy struck
Haiti, I'm sure that all those thousands of people didn't know when they woke
up on January 12th that later that day they would die in an earthquake. I don't
know where they are now ...
We don't ever really know WHEN ... but we can know WHERE. Are you
going with me? If I asked you that question, what would you say? I don't know
what's going to happen tomorrow ... I don't even know what's going to happen
later today ... but I do know that when my body no longer lives, my spirit will
be with Jesus. Where will you be? Not according to your own plans or thoughts,
but according to the One who created you, ... do you know for certain?
I'm one of those 'black and white' people ... you know, black is
black and white is white ... absolutes, I like absolutes ~ there's no disputing
them. 1+1=2, 2x2=4, fire is hot and ice is cold ... always (fire
isn't sometimes hot; it's always hot). What I believe ... isn’t about me
being RIGHT; it just IS what it IS and it WAS before I even knew about
it. God is still God, even if people don't believe it ~ He's not God because I believe; I
believe because HE IS GOD! He gave of Himself when He (JESUS)
died for our sins, a ransom in exchange for complete and total forgiveness.
It's so simple that some simply don't believe because "it can't be that
easy". Some don't believe because they refuse to accept that
wrongdoing can be forgotten because of LOVE. Some don't believe because
they're afraid of what they don't know. But what if it's true?
I've always thought, ... "you know, if I were to end up
being wrong, really what will I have lost?" But in truth, ... oh,
what I shall gain and for those who chose to deny it ... once it's the end,
there's no changing our minds. What if it's true? Are you
going with me?
If
not, where ARE you going?
The LORD holds every day in His hands; He's always in control
and He gently and lovingly holds us in the palm. Though this
"life" is often incomprehensible, especially with illness, violence
and disaster, He is still the Author and Creator of everyone and everything;
we're not meant to have all the answers but we can still believe ... that's
what FAITH is.
Time gently escapes through tightly clasped hands; we think we
have a good handle on it but we are not in control. Before we know it,
our hands are empty and time has run out and where we go from here is
"black and white", ... "are you going with me?" The answer
is "yes" or "no". In the end, there is no gray
area.
I'm going to heaven. Are you going with me?
Faith
is taking the first step even though you can't see the whole staircase. ~
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Those
who do not fear God end up fearing everything. ~ Richard Halverson
Right
is right, even if everyone is against it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is
for it. ~ William Penn
But our
citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord
Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his
control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious
body. ~ Philippians 3:20-21
Sunday, April 15, 2012
On Monday, April 9, 2012, in the
early evening, I learned that Howard Watson, a kind, old man who attended the
same church I do, had passed away that afternoon. I was shocked!
Howard didn't seem to be ill; he never appeared to have any health problems at
all. I knew he was an older man but I did not know his exact age. I
had met Howard many years before, when I was sixteen and got a summer job
at ECM Motor Company in Elkhorn. My parents and my sister worked there;
it seemed like the natural place to get my first job. That's where I met
Howard. He was already an older man at that time but I remember how kind
and gentle he was. I'm sure that Howard Watson was not a perfect man but
I could find no fault in him. He was soft-spoken and humble, attentive to
his job and the people around him.
When we began attending our
church in 2001, I was really surprised but excited to see Howard there! I
went right up to him and told him who I was. He actually remembered me (after
more than ten years) and he, of course, remembered my parents and was anxious
to know how they were. Howard was the same to me ... so kind and gentle
and really aware of the people around him, genuinely interested in all people,
old and young alike. Just recently, I recall seeing Howard and my son, Ben
(19 years old) having a conversation in the front hall of the church.
Howard was just like that!
Howard passed away the day after
Easter, the same day that I became terribly ill. I am just now, as I type
this, beginning to feel much better. Because of my illness, I was unable
to attend Howard's viewing or his funeral, which was held at our church.
I was disappointed about that. I thought that it would have been nice to
tell his family about when I first met him, how I saw him, the things that I
admired about him.
As we drove into the parking lot
of church this morning and I prepared myself to do my treasury duties in the
office prior to the service beginning, I winced as I thought about Howard not
being there, my skipping his name as I entered the contributions this
week, and the fact that I will eventually have to remove Howard's name from my
list.
In the office, I began to prepare
my entries and started to organize my folders and as I was updating my files
from the last two weeks, the electricity went out. The entire church had
lost all electrical power. Uh-oh! That's weird! Well,
without electricity, I could not continue what I was doing so I got up and walked
around for a while. People started exiting the sanctuary as the first
service was nearing its end anyway and conversations were a-buzz in the common
area.
At one point, I was just standing
still and not really a part of anyone's conversation and sort of listening to
everyone's conversation at the same time when I realized that the little group
of people just to my left were talking about Howard. So, I turned my
attention in that direction and as I moved a little closer, I realized that the
two talking-women, who I did not recognize, were Howard's daughters.
I immediately interjected, stuck out my hands and let them know who I was
and that I was so fond of their dad. Howard's two daughters,
several other people and I talked for nearly thirty minutes and we shared many
wonderful things about Howard and I learned a few things about Howard that I
feel are really worth sharing. Howard's wife became a Christian in the
1970's. She, of course, wanted her husband and children to become
Christians too. Howard wanted nothing to do with it. Howard was a
busy farmer and he was very stubborn. He didn't have time for
church. This must have saddened Howard's wife and his children as I'm
sure that they wanted him to be a part of what they knew to be good and right
and true. So Howard's wife, Helen, committed to praying for her husband
every day; every day she prayed for Howard to become a Christian, to
come to know Jesus as his very own personal Savior. Howard's wife prayed
MANY days, even when she became ill and was dying. She wanted her
children to be sure to continue praying for their father after she was gone and
one of Howard's daughters, Patti, committed to take over the task of praying in
earnest for Howard and on the very day that her mother, Howard's wife, passed
from this life, she began praying for her dad. Patti prayed that Howard
would come to know the truth and that her dad would be spiritually awakened by
the power of God ... and do you know what? THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT
HAPPENED! On the very day that Howard's wife passed
from her life on earth to her eternal life in heaven with Jesus, he
became spiritually aware and the truth was in him and he told his daughter
that he wanted to pray to receive the gift of salvation that had already been
given to him ... but that he had taken so long to accept. Howard is
now in heaven with his wife, Helen, ... and with the saints who had preceded
him and the angels who were cheering the day he turned towards
heaven. One day, Howard ... I know I'll see you there too.
Howard had been to church several times in the days before he passed away. He attended the Agape Meal, which is a celebration of the Last Supper shared between Jesus and His disciples. He was also at church on Easter Sunday; he attended the special Easter drama that was performed. Brian and I were actually part of it; Brian portrayed Jesus and I portrayed Mary, the mother of Jesus. At the funeral, the family of Howard expressed often and to many people that Howard was extremely blessed by "his church" and the connections that he had there. On Easter, when he spent time with his family, he expressed how moved by the Easter drama he had been. He shared with his family the events of the Easter service and the Agape meal and they said that he had such a wonderful peace about him. The next day, he was out working with his sons; they were trimming trees on his property and he just collapsed. His last moments were spent with his family, with his church ... and he was at peace. I think that is pretty special.
I'm so blessed because of
today... something unexpected and out of the ordinary happened and I was
blessed. Had the power not went out at church, I would have
never left the office. I would have stayed busy doing my church busy-ness
and I can guarantee that I would not have stepped foot out of that office until
after the second service had begun and the common area was absent of
people. If the power had not gone out, I would not have met
Howard's daughters; I would not have shared such wonderful conversation with
them; I would not have learned the powerful testimony of Howard and his
family and I would not have received the wonderful reminder that I did ...
Anyone can come to Jesus ... even
a stubborn farmer who doesn't have time for church.
And by the way, the power came
back on just as the second service was to begin and our conversation(s) had
ended.
Name: Howard R. Watson, 82
Died: April 09, 2012, in Elkhorn, WI
Howard R. Watson; 82, of Cobb Road died unexpectedly on Monday, April 9, 2012 at his farm in Elkhorn. He was born on June 2, 1929 in Freeport, IL, the son of the late Clarence and Vera Watson. He was united in marriage to Helen E. Rainey on September 3, 1950 in Allen's Grove, WI.
... Howard and Helen farmed in the Clinton and Darien area for many years. They bought their farm in Elkhorn in 1963 and continued to farm and raise their family until Howard retired from farming in 1985. Howard worked in Elkhorn in various capacities including providing custodial services for ECM Company of Elkhorn. Howard was an active and proud member of the Community Church of Elkhorn.
Howard is survived by his four children: Judy (Fred) Bartlett of Burlington, Lowell Watson of Madison, Patti (Scott) Lacen of Euless, TX, and Nathan (Diane) Watson of Elkhorn; twelve grandchildren: Emily, Ethan, Elizabeth, Elivia, Eleah, and Elijah Watson; Nick and Jack Reynolds; Bryce, Brianna, Alissa, and Alainna Watson; two sisters, Maxine Lamm and Dorothy Ness both of Freeport, IL, two brothers Carl (Jean) Watson of Roscoe, IL, and Robert (Marge) Watson of Burbank, IL; and many dear friends in the southern Wisconsin area.
Howard was preceded in death by his parents, his wife Helen, two grandchildren: Erin Watson and Maxwell Reynolds, four brothers: Fred, Earl, Glenn and Oscar, and two sisters: Norma Shafer and Thelma Cross.
Howard R. Watson; 82, of Cobb Road died unexpectedly on Monday, April 9, 2012 at his farm in Elkhorn. He was born on June 2, 1929 in Freeport, IL, the son of the late Clarence and Vera Watson. He was united in marriage to Helen E. Rainey on September 3, 1950 in Allen's Grove, WI.
... Howard and Helen farmed in the Clinton and Darien area for many years. They bought their farm in Elkhorn in 1963 and continued to farm and raise their family until Howard retired from farming in 1985. Howard worked in Elkhorn in various capacities including providing custodial services for ECM Company of Elkhorn. Howard was an active and proud member of the Community Church of Elkhorn.
Howard is survived by his four children: Judy (Fred) Bartlett of Burlington, Lowell Watson of Madison, Patti (Scott) Lacen of Euless, TX, and Nathan (Diane) Watson of Elkhorn; twelve grandchildren: Emily, Ethan, Elizabeth, Elivia, Eleah, and Elijah Watson; Nick and Jack Reynolds; Bryce, Brianna, Alissa, and Alainna Watson; two sisters, Maxine Lamm and Dorothy Ness both of Freeport, IL, two brothers Carl (Jean) Watson of Roscoe, IL, and Robert (Marge) Watson of Burbank, IL; and many dear friends in the southern Wisconsin area.
Howard was preceded in death by his parents, his wife Helen, two grandchildren: Erin Watson and Maxwell Reynolds, four brothers: Fred, Earl, Glenn and Oscar, and two sisters: Norma Shafer and Thelma Cross.
Dennis Rees (1/6/1937 - 7/29/2014)
(Cnicht Mountain in Snowdonia, North Wales)
Completed in the place where my memories of you live … I wanted a proper “farewell”. Being forced from here to let go of you there … well, it’s never really felt “done”.
(Llyn Llagi (lake) stands just north of the summit of Cnicht; these photos are internet photos of the "area" where Dennis' ashes were scattered)
I fully intended to be “there” on this day ... to travel to the spot that embraced the last bit of your physical existence ... a favourite place where you held wonderful memories and feelings of peace. And, yet, it still goes undone …
Earlier this year, we made the decision to adopt again and this decision makes my intended travels to the UK less feasible. I am disappointed … yes … but … the knowledge that my intent was rather selfish and that our adoption decision is the exact opposite … I guess, evens out my emotions.
I am still reminded of you in so many ways …
Earlier this year we saw the new movie about the classic story of Paddington Bear. There I was, sitting in the dark movie theater, tears streaming down my face as the voices of Uncle Pastuzo and Aunt Lucy made me feel as though you and Maureen were right there in the room with me. Then we even watched the movie again when it came out on DVD and I still couldn’t stop the tears in its first fifteen minutes.
Other movies with a British tone also remind me of you. You are “Beaver” in Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and I hear you in the fun, animated movie Flushed Away when the term “Toe-Rag” is used!!
… I also purposely remind myself of you in many other ways …
Yorkshire Tea, according to you, only the best tea worthy of drinking,... later you preferred Chai, which is now the one I like best too. Every cup is a cup shared with you.
I have a special shelf with four full scrapbooks of times spent with you, souvenir books we bought and also those you gave us as well as several favourite photos.
My Welsh Lovespoon collection … two of which were gifts from you ... special reminders of special visits to a place of beauty and peace.
In the pages of the book you/Maureen marked the meanings of the designs in the spoon ...
One year you sent me this book about Lovespoons with a special lovespoon as well ...
- the cross represents "together in Christ" -
- the links represent "we cannot be separated" -
Maybe only to me, perhaps, you referred to me as “our daughter in Wisconsin” … you had your own children there and I always wished I’d known them better and I have my own parents here, who were fortunate to have met you … but you certainly were like another father to me, the one who listened, advised, suggested and supported … always with confidence and love and from a perspective of our common faith. That always meant so much to me!
Knowing you changed my whole life … the both of you … my Dad and Mum in Christ. So much of what I learned from and experienced with you became a significant part of who I am right now.
As it begins to seem as though it was all a part of my imagination … I am fearful of you becoming a far and distant memory. I do not want to forget ... with time and age and as the seasons change, I cannot allow myself to forget.
The younger of the boys we are in process to adopt … he will be my forever reminder and the namesake of a most precious part of my life …
There, your children and grandchildren carry you with them and you live on through them. Here, this side of "the pond", as England grows further and further away from me, Rees Solomon will be my memorial link to knowing you; he will be my constant reminder and you will live on in this little boy who already appears to possess the spirit of your name.
There, your children and grandchildren carry you with them and you live on through them. Here, this side of "the pond", as England grows further and further away from me, Rees Solomon will be my memorial link to knowing you; he will be my constant reminder and you will live on in this little boy who already appears to possess the spirit of your name.
I am pleased to know the name Rees means "Ardent, Fiery".
Synonyms of Ardent include "passionate", "enthusiastic", "devoted" and Fiery means "spirited", "intense" and "to burn bright". I believe that these words will actually describe our Boy Rees one day. We will tell him all about you and Maureen and we will share with him how special you were to us and why we named him after you.
He will also have the name Solomon. You told me once that you thought I should read the book of Ecclesiastes, which I did. King Solomon is named as author of the book and Ecclesiastes 11:4 is actually the verse that propelled us to pursue this current adoption. I don't know for certain your reason in asking me to read Ecclesiastes but its overarching theme is that "nothing means anything without the LORD".
It was ONLY because of the LORD that our lives ever touched on June 25, 2004 and I am certain that the significance of our friendship is reinforced by our connection with the LORD.
It was ONLY because of the LORD that our lives ever touched on June 25, 2004 and I am certain that the significance of our friendship is reinforced by our connection with the LORD.
And that is what I will cling to ... the LORD ... because with the LORD is where you are and with all the regrets, tears, and wishes for "one more" this or that ... those bits will all disappear and all that will remain is the beauty and unspeakable joy that is our connection to one another BECAUSE OF OUR LORD. I will see you again and I'll spend the rest of my life reminding myself ...
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