Expecting the B-E-S-T and K-I-C-K-I-N-G Fear to the Curb

I've come to realize over the years that I am one of those people who Goes to Extremes or Assumes the Worst in many situations.  What do I mean?

Here's an example: Just this evening, I came into the kitchen to find my 14-year-old shih tzu struggling to keep his back legs upright.  They just kept flopping back to the floor each time he tried to walk or straighten up.  I immediately imagined that "this is IT!" and we're going to have to put him down because something is terribly wrong.  (I did this a few months ago too when he was bleeding from his mouth; it ended up just being a bad tooth)  Well, it turned out, after I picked him up to evaluate and inspect, that his back end was "caked" and matted with poop (sorry for the wording, but really, what other words should I use?) so I had to roll up my sleeves, get him in the tub to loosen it up and then cut away the affected hair.  I was nervous and wincing the whole time (especially with the scissors).  He's fine ... and now he smells a lot better!

I don't know exactly why or when it started but for quite a few years now I have been on the edge of my seat ... waiting for disaster or tragedy to strike.   

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING EVER, ISN'T IT?

When we decided to adopt again and then quickly went from adopting one child to two children, thoughts raced about finances, time off work, juggling the medical needs of two children at the same time, staying connected as a family and with our other children ... fear controlled my thoughts.

Okay, I know, ... you're probably doubting the "fear factor".  So many have told us how inspiring we are, how what we're doing is so great, how wonderful and BRAVE we are for helping the children ... 

... Can a person be brave and afraid at the same time? ...

... because while the kind words are encouraging, we are still afraid; I am still afraid.  And I ponder the worst.

Rees not being able to see out of his right eye.  The surgeon not being able to build him a nose.  The tumor coming back and ultimately blocking his airway(s).  Continuing to need time off of work and eventually losing my job.  

These are just my extremist thoughts regarding Rees.  Here's where I remind you all that we have SIX other children ... LOL!

Fear can be damaging.debilitating.destructive ... just plain dumb and I have to do battle with it every day. 

And then I am reminded:

       The LORD Himself will fight for you; you need only to be still. ~Exodus 14:14

God moved our adoption process swiftly and caused us to raise more than half the dollars needed to fund the adoption.  God has guided the bonding of the boys to our family, even when it was so difficult in the beginning.  God brought us through the surgeries of our two daughters and we know He is with us as we go through these times with the boys as well.  Over and over, ... He reminds me ... and over and over, I forget ... and then He reminds me again.  I am so thankful that He does not tire of having to repeat Himself to me the way I sometimes do with my own children.  Believing the Truth and Trusting the One who has ordained every one of my days ... is something I have to work at ... every one of my days.  And now I just need to add to my daily "to-do's"  - a) Expect the BEST in all situations and b) Kick fear to the curb!!

Now all of this is not to say that Rees is doing fantastic and I have merely overreacted these past couple days.  That is not the case.  He is doing better and truly showing signs of healing.  He does also have some issues that need to be addressed and we're working through them.  Primarily, at the moment, we are dealing with his right eye not functioning properly so we will now be taping his "good" eye for a few hours per day to try to force him to use/strengthen the other eye.  We "THINK" that he CAN see out of it if he can move it far enough over that the pupil is actually visible but we are not certain as it is a difficult movement for him at this point.  He IS trying; we can tell!  Bright lights bother his eyes and we can also tell when his eyes get tired.

He continues to bleed from his nose and while it is dark in color and has much evidence of clotting, it is still something that needs to be monitored.  His nasal area is still quite swollen and red, almost as if he had a sunburn.  It seems to be 'damaged' and cracking as if burned.  We are only using the peroxide mix to clean it though as there seems to be a chance that Rees has a mild allergy to the antibiotic ointment.

After we saw the craniofacial team today, they called later in the day (left a message) to state that they wanted him to have another 3D CT scan on Monday when he comes in to have his staples removed.  ???  At the appointment only a few hours earlier they had told me that he should have the CT in about a month.  I will be contacting them tomorrow to ask about this and to, of course, get it scheduled.  

Jonah is scheduled to start his treatment at the end of February but we do not yet have his surgery date.  When we know a bit more of the solid information, we will share it.
In the meantime, with all the other things and other people to pray for, my simple prayer request going forward is that I may "Be Still".